Off Topic The Christmas Thread

Try posting a Portsmouth MDT, tardy twat!

 

For those still looking for a gift...

 

I’ve been told that police will attend at your address and remove excess family members over Christmas.
Does anyone know whether it's a free service or do you have to pay in advance?

 

I'd heard the constabularies' powers that be are actually mailing out invitations anonymously to the population's other family members to maximize their holiday overtime hours.

The Secret Policeman's Ball funding effort...

 

Seen the lad tonight & we watched the game together.

Chippy tea, Large Fish, battered sausage, chips, mushy peas & curry sauce.

Been off the booze for a while but I’ve opened a St Peter’s Brewery Plum Porter.

My arse will be rotten tomorrow

Christmas is here.

 

Smoked Winnipeg Goldeye for Christmas Eve dinner is our family tradition but we’ll have to do it independently this year. Interestingly, the process for smoking this treat was developed by a 19th century immigrant to Winnipeg ... he came from Hull.

 

So where do I get a top notch Pork Pie from? In Hull obviously

 

You may be better on line...

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If you can get to Cottingham try Mr. Smiths on Hallgate.

 

This is the worst Xmas thread ever. Shows how little good cheer there is this year

Daughter opened one of the crackers on the tree
It's only a murder of crows if there's probable caws.

 

*copied from another group*

Just in case anyone is stressing about Christmas Day..............!

Here's my top tips:-

Christmas Dinner....
I have concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts, supermarkets and TV chefs...
It's a Sunday dinner for goodness sake!!!
The only difference is that you are allowed to open a bottle of wine before you open the kitchen curtains.

We do it quite happily 51 weeks of the year but can we the consumers be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year...apparently not!
Here goes...

1. Turkey... It's a big fecking chicken that's all, 20 minutes per lb plus 20 minutes at 180 degrees - jobs a good un! Get yourselves a meat thermometer £3 off the Internet poke it in the offending bird if it says 75 degrees or over its cooked!

2. Stuffing - regardless of what Jamie Oliver says you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions breadcrumbs,pine nuts and a **** load of fresh herbs to make stuffing....( no fecking wonder he's bankrupt if thats what he spends to make stuffing!)
What you need is Paxo and a kettle!! If you wanna liven it up squeeze 3 sausages out of their skins and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking .

3. Gravy - Jamie Oliver is copping for this one aswell....
Bisto Jamie.... All you need is Bisto!
I ( nor anyone else I know) has got time on Christmas Eve to piss about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour,cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy

4. Vegetables... Never mind faffing round shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable... If you don't like them don't buy and cook the fecking things!! If your family only eats frozen peas then that's good enough!

5. Roast potatoes... Yes I par boil mine then roast them in goose fat but Aunt Bessie also does the same .

6. Trimmings /Christmas pudding and the like.... Aldi or Lidl!
(oh and while we're on the subject of pudding- if birds custard is what your family likes on the wretched thing then that's fine - you do not need brandy butter /rum sauce etc or anything else that costs a fecking fortune and takes 2 hours to make!)

7. Family....
Children.. Feed the little blighters first separately, if they only want turkey with tomato sauce - fine leave em to it, it doesn't matter. Once they are fed bugger them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in Peace!

Adults... Anyone that can manage to get their sorry arse to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/ sort the kids out/ clear the table /wash up /dry up etc.

And Finally.....
NO ONE.... And I mean no one APART FROM THE COOK IS ALLOWED TO GET PISSED AND FALL ASLEEP BEFORE THE WASHING UP IS DONE!!!

Merry Christmas!

Cheers

 

Seen in aldi they have fresh roasted spuds in a tray already to go in the oven
Parsnips too
And a tin of marrow fat peas
Jobs a good un

 

The mods are looking forward to it anyway

 

Not tinned peas they're crap, got to be frozen ones. Carrots from a tin are ok but not peas.

 

Arse, feck, shoite. DRIINK.

 

Tinned peas are crap!!! Fighting talk

 

Ask google.
Frozen peas are blanched after harvest and flash-frozen, keeping most of their vitamins, while canned peas contain less nutrients. The verdict: Definitely buy fresh or frozen–but be careful with their cooking times.