Off Topic The best joke you know.

A guy and his dog walk into a bar. Bartender says "we don't allow pets in here." The guy says "This isn't just any pet, he's a talking dog! I'll bet $100 per man at this bar I can prove it!" So when all the patrons agreed to wager the $100, the guy turned to his dog and said:
"What kind of animal chases sheep?" The dog replied "Wolf!"
"What sits on top of a house?" "Roof!"
"What is found on the side of a tree?" "Bark!"
By this time the bar patrons knew a swindler was at play so they approached the guy menacingly, to which he said "Wait! One more question and I can prove my dog can talk!" The patrons agreed so the guy asked his dog: "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?" To which the dog replied "Ruth!" That was the last straw. The patrons beat him up, took all his wagered money, and threw both him and his dog out the window onto the sidewalk. They got up, dusted off, and walked quietly away. Later, the dog said "Do you think I should have said DiMaggio?"

 

I am intrigued to know how many got the first joke in this thread?It usually takes some explaining.

 

It maid me think, but it came in the end!

 

Heard the one about the trucker who gives a lift to a beautiful young woman? He asks if she's a student, but she tells him she's a witch. He scoffs and she asks him if he believes her. Obviously he doesn't and asks her if she can prove it. She tells him she can, puts her hand on his knee, and he turns into a lay-by.

 

Not me. Is this a joke one must be Brit to get?

 

The guy who had his house made backwards so he could watch telly.

 

Nope not really.

 

YAY .... So did he I think.

 

I first heard that joke while at Wheeler Street Primary but didn't get it until I was at Ainthorpe Junior School (o:

 

The guy who had his house made backwards so he could watch telly.

The guy who did his housemaid from behind so he could watch TV.

 

'made' - how it sounds, not how it's spelt?

 

Seeing as I lowered the tone how about a middle class joke...

Knock knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

No, to whom!

 

Yep haha

 

There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets

There are two types of people in the world: Those who crave closure

 

Young woman goes to the doctor's for a check-up.
Doctor, putting stethoscope to her chest: "Big breaths ..."
Young woman: "Yeth, and I'm only thickthteen!"

 

I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.

 

A natural blonde has her hair dyed a lustrous chestnut colour. To celebrate, she goes for a country drive.
Seeing a flock of baby lambs, she stops to talk to the shepherd.
"Oh, how cute and fluffy they are! Just look how they bounce and leap! I'd love to take one home with me. If I can guess how many lambs there are, will you let me choose one?"
"Well, er, OK, yes. But your guess must be exactly right!"
She counts the number of legs, then uses her calculator to divide by four. After several minutes, she excitedly shouts, "Thirty seven!"
The shepherd is astounded. She is correct! He tells her to pick out her favourite, which she does, then carries it to her car.
Before she drives off, the shepherd says, "If I can guess your natural hair colour, can I have my sheepdog back?"

 

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,
she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies..... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

 

Who led the pedants' revolt?

Which Tyler.

 

Very Good Ernie! How about...

Rene Descartes walks into a bar, orders a beer, and downs it in one.

"Would you like another?" asks the bartender.

Descartes considered the question for a moment before replying "I think not," and disappears in a puff of smoke.