Off Topic The best joke you know.

I tuck my head between my legs and push forward with my feet. That's how I roll.
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I saw an advert for a second hand television the other day, it read "72 inch screen, volume buttons broken, £3". I thought "well I can't turn that down".

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Why did the little girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

 

Any bad Tim Vine pun wins for me

Although the oldest joke I remember being my all time favourite is

What's brown and sticky ? - A stick .

 

Mine is the updated version I posted earlier.

 

A sticky thread now ehh ?

 

Why has the Milk-maids stool only got 3 legs?














The cow's got the udder

 

Bit outdated but still the funniest joke you're likely to hear this side of Christmas;

Q. When does Sadam Hussain have his dinner?

A. When Tariq Aziz.




No need to thank me.

 

Guy in a big car pulls up alongside Paddy..."Tell me, my man, how do I get to Dublin?"

Paddy: "Well, sor, I wouldn't start from here".

 

Why should you never have sex with a mentally retarded dwarf?
Because its not big and its not clever

 

Stan, I've lost count of the number of times I've been asked to go and sort out somebody's fubar and that joke had been my opening gambit.

Normally to some poor sap who's on the brink of losing their job.


The miserable bastards never appreciate it.



I often follow it up with this:

You'll need to achieve the bare minimum here, in order to survive this ****storm. D'ya know what the bare minimum is?

[Insert some garbled, panicky verbal bollocks].

No lad. The bare minimum is one Bear.


That never goes down particularly well either.

 

my favourite,
Stevie wonders brother bought him a cheese grater for Xmas, and when visiting him on boxing day, he asked what think you think of the present Stevie? He replied great, but **** me that was the most violent book I've ever read

 

I remember the sadness that another fave

"What's the opposite of Christopher Walken ? " getting ruined when superman popped his clogs

 

A Polish man visits the Opticians and the Optician says "Polish man can you read what's on that card on the wall"?
"Read it?" says the Polish man, "I know him!"

 

My best friend recently became a transvestite and got a boob job. I’ll never be able to look him in the face again.

 

Can’t believe how kinky my wife is, she loves it in the ear !! Everytime I put my cock near her face, she turns her head to the side.

 

A bloke goes into hospital to have his leg amputated. After the operation the Dr comes to see him. 'I've got some good news and some bad news' says the Dr

What's the bad news? Asks the man. 'I amputated the wrong leg, so I had to take both your legs off'

'****ing hell, that's terrible news' says the man. 'What's the good news?'

'The bloke in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers for a tenner'

 

GOOD OLD MUM.

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I am divorcing Nathan.
All he wants is sex, sex, and more sex. My vagina now stands
open the size of a 50-cent piece when it used to be the size
of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says: "You are now married to a multi-millionaire
businessman! You live in an 8 bedroom mansion! You drive a
$250,000 Ferrari! You get $2,000 a week allowance! You take
6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over
45 cents?"


Now That's A Jewish Mother!

 

Nun at the circus watching show. Pisses down with rain whilst show is on and turns field where circus tent is into a quagmire. Clown offers to give nun piggyback so she doesn't get mud on her habit. Circus owner nudges his friend and points out clown with nun on back and says" That's what you call verging on the ridiculus"

 

Which was Amy Winehouse's favourite tube station?

High Barnet.

 

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I explained to her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then got all excited, quickly undressed,
and we had the most amazing sex ever
This was all very odd, because she's never shown an interest in darts before.....

 

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