Off Topic The best joke you know.

Judge says to the accused ---- 'have you anything to say before I pass sentence?'
the accused mutters ---'**** all'
the judge who was hard of hearing asks the clerk ---'what did he say?'
clerk ---- '**** all m'lud'
judge --- 'funny, I could have sworn he said something'

 

What do you do if you find a space man

Park in it man

 

I bought one of those new potato clocks yesterday - they're great - you just set the alarm and get upotato clock

 

**** off, you red-nosed ****.

 

Great punchline Ernie.

You can peck as much as you want but you wont peck my eyes out.

 

Wrecked 'em? Wrecked 'em?

It blew their ****ing brains out!

 

Blowjob?! Blowjob?!

You'll get a ****ing blowjob when that Armstrong kid walks on the moon.

 

Because I just saw the Irishman coming back with a 100 Pineapples.

 

You're Thor?

I'm tho thor I can hardly pith.

 

The thing is Sailor, tomorrow it's your turn in the barrel.

 

The night was dark and dreary, as the old man tramped the street. In his eyes was sorrow. In his boots was feet.

 

Whaths it like dancthin with Ginger rodgers

 

what do you call a Spanish sheep with no legs-------------------------------Grassyarse

 

You that Red Adair?

 

To cap it off, he thought Iraq was down the pool hall...
http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Nice_fe369b_436911.jpg

 

The next night she walked in and asked for a single entendre, so the barman ****ed her.

 

a container ship carrying a cargo of yo-yo,s has just sunk 67 times in the English channel

 

Religion. Goodnight.

 

I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

Courtesy Tim Vine, Edinburgh Festival, 2010 and 2014.

 

Englishman, Irishman and a scotsman were in Vatican City visiting the pope.
A guy rushes in and says you gotta go the pope has died. He says keep it quiet lads cause we want to put a press release out in 2 days time.
They agreed to keep schtum.
On the way back to Blighty they said we can make money out of this cause no one knows the pope is dead.
They agree to meet up in 3 days time to discuss their winnings.
The scot says "I put £1000 at 70/1 on the pope dying and I won £70,000.
Well done said the other two
The English guy said I did a bit better "I won £100k cause I got 100/1 with a £1,000 staked.
Brilliant said the other two.

How did you get on Paddy?
"Oh to be sure to be sure lads I lost".
How could you lose Paddy is was a dead (pardon the pun) cert said the English guy.
"Well you see lads I had a double on with the Archbishop of Canterbury oh so I did"