Off Topic The best joke you know.

Nun (1) where’s the soap?
Nun (2) I know it does!

 

3 nuns in the bath and there's a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" says the brave one.
"The blind man" says the voice behind the door.
<they giggle>
"Lets let him in, he's blind" says she.
She hops out and opens the door
"Right where shall I hang these Venetians?" Says the Blind Fitter

 

Kenny Everett ??

 

Legend!

 

Oops, I just accidentally hit the ignore button

 

Blonde and brunette friends are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says: 'Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again ........ for no reason'

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: 'Whats the big deal? Don't you like getting flowers?'

The brunette says: 'Oh sure, but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air'

The blonde says: 'Don't you have a vase?'

 

First woman on the Moon:


"Houston, we have a problem."


What is it?


Silence.


What is the problem?


"Never mind, it doesn't matter"


Repeat. What's the problem?


Long silence.


"Nothing"


Please tell us what the problem is?


Longer silence.


"You know what the problem is."

 

Q. What was Dean Martin's favourite type of eel?

A. That's a moray.

 

Some people say the Americans were the first to land on the moon. Incorrect; Mr Suzuki of Hiroshima, Japan touched down in 1945.

 

A Blonde walks into a Dry Cleaners to collect her little black dress.

" Come again" says the friendly female shop assistant.

Just going through the door , the blonde looks back over her shoulder & snappily retorts.

No not this time Nosy Bitch , Toothpaste...

 

i heard this as
a/ yes it is??

 

Jesus and the disciples go to a restaurant for the last supper. "Table for 26" says Jesus.

"But there's only 13 of you" replied the Maitre D'.

"True, but we all want to sit at one side of the table..."

 

The police found an ice cream van in the woods with driver dead and covered in flakes, raspberry sauce and hundreds & thousands. They’re not looking at foul play as they think he’s topped himself.

 

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen.

 

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

 

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini, I said to him ''wow, that's a brilliant car'' he replied ''if you work hard, get all your hours in and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year''

 

Quasimodo was running down the street chase by a group of kids.

He said: "For the last time I haven't got your ****ing ball"

 

Englishman, Irishman and a Scottish man sat in a cell waiting to go out in front of a firing squad, first one out the Englishman he stands all guns pointed at him and lead gunner says" have you anything to say" so the Englishman points up and shouts volcano at which point everyone turns round and he runs away, next one out the Scotsman stands in front of the firing squad and is also asked if he has any last thing to say, the Scotsman looks up and shouts "earthquake" they all look around and he runs away, last out the Irishmen he stands there, they again ask the question " have you anything to say" he thinks for a minute points up in the air gets ready to run and shouts Fire.

 

The UK Government has said Scotland could become a third World country if they ever win independence. I don't know if things will improve that much, but you never know.

 

Kid 1: You ever had sex?
Kid 2: Yup, last night; ask your sister.
Kid 1: wtf, I don't have a sister you lying twat.
Kid 1: Just wait 9 months my friend.