The barnsley joke page

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.





Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Horsham Court ( Victoria , Australia ), Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.


Lawrence explained that, as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session,

he decided to stop.

"You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... well, there was no one around for miles – or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated.


Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
"I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.



In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' Senior Constable Brenda Taylor told the magistrate.
'I walked up to Lawrence – and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...'


Constable Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .....

"I said: 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?

" Lawrence froze. He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said:



'A pumpkin? **** - is it midnight already'?"


The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth.

The Geelong Post wrote an article describing this as 'The best come-back line ever.'

 

I recently saved loads of money on my car insurance.

I got caught drink driving and I've been banned for 2 years.

 

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"

Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

 

The English FA have said England may boycott the next world cup by not turning up


Again...

 

Do you fart in bed ?
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning
she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.” “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in…….............…..”

 

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
... The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops."

 

I've just found out why my extremely intelligent Thai girlfriend is called Samsung.

She's a Smart T.V.

 

"Why has everything got to be a game with you?" My wife sighed.

"An excellent question love" I said, "but next time, please use the buzzer."

 

I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said "It was the most violent book he's ever read"

 

I walked into the library and said, "I'm looking for a brand new book for people who enjoy smelling each other's farts. Is it in yet?"

"Don't hold your breath," said the librarian.

"That's the one,' I replied.

 

Adult Fairy Tales
CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."







Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"


"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."


Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.


"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"


"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"


Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other..."
_____________________________ ______________
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.


Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.


A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"


Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
_____________________________________________
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out! "


To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly said, "Stick to the story.. you're going to eat me!"
____________________________________________
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey,"You say here that your wife is crazy."


Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's ****ing Goofy."
___________________________________________


SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
___________________________________________
Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
____________________________________________
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.


"What's that?" he asked.


She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."


Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."


Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.


Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"


"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

 

A Northern Territory farm hand, radios back to the farm manager.
"Boss, I got one helluva problem here... I hit a ruddy pig with the truck. The pig seems OK, but he's stuck
in the roo-bars on the front and is wriggling and squealing so blady much, I can't get 'im out."
The manager says, "Ok, there's a ....303 rifle behind the seat in the rack, take it, shoot the pig and you'll
be able to remove it."
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said Boss. Shot the pig in the head and
removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on."



"So what's the f**king problem now mate?" raged the Manager.
"Well boss, it's his motor-bike....it's stuck under the wheel arch and the bloody blue light won't stop
flashing.............ullo - you still there Boss?"

 

Oh what a tangled language English is and how easy it is to misconstrue......

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'
She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.



She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said…..



"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed."

 

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.


One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."


The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"


"Off to America next month," says John. "We go to America every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim ?" Jim agrees.


"Ah, America!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country ... New York, L.A, Vegas ...."
"Nah, we don't like that American crap," says John. "Meat pies and Fosters beer, that's us, eh Jim ? And we can't stand the Yanks - they're so arrogant and rude."


"So why keep going to America?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

 

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite
cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Wales.

It was absolutely wonderful,
it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried,
the cow would move away from the bull,
and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to
the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
that they had brought the cow over from Wales.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Wales?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Wales" .

 

"I think I'm Tesco." says the mental patient.

"Since when have you been thinking you're Tesco?"

"Since I was Lidl."

 

Why Grandfathers are different …

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of ****, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing prick, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went! We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun."

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque..
They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside..

 

My son said, "Dad, did you know in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?"

I said, "It's the f**king same everywhere, son."