The barnsley joke page

I hate when people use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Especially when I'm inebriated beyond the exuberance of my own verbosity to notice.

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Liverpool fan sneaking through my next door neighbours garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished I got back into bed and my wife said, "You're shaking, what is it?" "You'll never believe what I've just seen? " I said. "That bastard next door still has my bloody shovel."

 

Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket.

You're probably not gonna win but you're sure as hell gonna try!

 

My Jehovah's Witness girlfriend's dumped me again last night but I'm not too worried though.

She'll come back knocking!

 

A husband and wife lost their jobs at the underwear factory, so attended the social Welfare to sign on. After they had finished, Paddy turned to the wife and asked
"How Much a week did you get?" Mavis looked at her husband and said £350pw, what about you? Paddy Replied " £500pw"
"That's outrageous discrimination" barked his wife and stormed back in to have a row.
Approaching the clerk, she shouted "HOW DARE you award my husband £500pw, and me only £350.... EXPLAIN YOURSELF"
The Clerk calmly addressed her and said, You, told me that you were a knicker Sewer for a living, while your Husband is a Diesel Fitter, so based on the skill set of your previous jobs, his amount was deemed higher"
"DIESEL FITTER.. exclaimed Mavis.... He was on Quality Control in the knicker Factory, all the lazy sod had to do was select random garments from the different batches, hold em up for size and say "Yip, Diesel Fitter"..

 

A lawyer gets pulled over by a police officer.
The officer asks the lawyer "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"I haven't the foggiest idea," said the lawyer.
The officer replied, "You didn't make a full stop at the stop sign back there. You only slowed down."
The lawyer thinks for a few seconds then says, "If you can prove to me the difference between stopping and slowing down, I'll take full responsibility. Otherwise, you let me off with a warning. Sound fair?"
The officer ponders it shortly before nodding his head. "Sounds fair. Can you step out of the car please?"
Just as the lawyer steps out and shuts the car door, the officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the lawyer.

After a few swings, the officer says, "Now, would you like me to stop or slow down?"

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

Seems a fair offer........

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

One swallow doesn't make a summer, but it sure does make a great end to an evening.

 

My new girlfriend whipped out my cock for the first time today!

She said "Where"s the best place to rub?"

I said "Probably not on this bus!"

 

Paddy says to Mick, "I think my butchers a drug dealer."

"What makes you think that?" Mick replied.

Paddy said, "He's got a sign in the window, two joints for £10."