The barnsley joke page

Little Italian man goes to confession. father I have sinned. How have you sinned my son, said the priest. Well, many years ago during the War a beautiful young Israeli woman asked me if I could hide her from those nasty Nazis. I agreed and I hid her. Well that's to be commended my son, said the priest. No, no, there's more said the little man. After a few weeks we started having feelings for each other and one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. The priests faced dropped, but he said: Well, my son, I know temptation can get the better of anybody, but look, you did save this lady's life, so please don't torture yourself and go in peace. No, no said the little man, there's something else.
What is it my son said the priest, the little man replied: Should I tell her the War is over???

 

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,
"I have a confession to make, I"m not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That"s no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I"ve been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he"s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone
."What are you doing?" asks the wife.The husband says, "I"m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn"t do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He"d come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I"m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn"t do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He"d come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he"s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I"m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this bloody hole."

 

Linford Christie"s a bit bored one day, so he decides to take up golf.
He goes down to the local course, walks in and says, "Hi, I"d like to join your golf club"
The receptionist calls the club captain, who comes to meet the former Olympic sprinter at reception. "Hi," says Linford "I"d like to join your golf club"
"I"m terribly sorry" says the club captain "but we don"t let black people join our club, if you turn left out of the gates, there"s a public course about 15 minutes up the road and they"ll let you play there"
"I don"t think you understand" says Linford
"I"m Linford Christie"
"Oh I see, I"m terribly sorry" says the Captain
" In that case the public course is three minutes up the road!"

 

It"s my birthday today!

My wife said she"s gonna make it my most special birthday ever.

I wonder where she"s going?

 

A man hates his wife"s cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it.
When he gets home, it"s there.
Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it.
When he gets home, it"s there.
So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.
One hour later he rings his wife and asks, "is the cat home?"
"Yes, why?" asks his wife.
"Put the c*nt on," he says, "I"m f*cking lost."

 

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Arsenal have put Özil up for sale!

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What do you call a pointless race that covers 2,200 miles throughout France?

The French.

 

My wife was going to pick me up from work but she phoned and said the cars broken down and I would have to catch the train home.

I said, "What's happened?" She said, "there's water in the carburettor."

I replied, "how do you know that?" She said, "it's in the canal."

 

I let my wife take me for a drive in the countryside today. We were going down a quiet country lane when she said, "Shall we do something we've never done in the car before?"

I said, "Go on then, bang it into fourth gear."

 

In England, they will take a tree, cut it down, remove the branches and the bark until they are left with a cylinder. Next, they will take the cylinder of wood and turn it on a lathe and whittle away until they are left with a perfectly formed bat. The bat will be cured and treated to strengthen it and then, when it is finally ready, they will use it to knock a leather ball around a park.

In Scotland, they just throw the f*cking tree.

 

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.' Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...
So what's the other possible good news?' Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.

 

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What do women and KFC have in common?

After you"re done with the legs, breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

 

Paddy says to Mick, "I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!"

Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"

Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"

 

"What do we want"

Time travel

"When do we want it?"

It's irrelevant.......