The barnsley joke page

An elephant walking along a river bank noticed a turtle and booted it across the river.
A passing giraffe asked "why did you do that?"
The elephant said "47 years ago that turtle bit a chunk out of my trunk."
"That's some damn good memory you have" said the giraffe.
The elephant replied "turtle recall"

 

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Miss out on Wimbledon tickets? Try hiding in Andy Murray's kit bag for unrivalled views of Centre Court.

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MURDERERS.

Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

 

After years of doubt I'm now convinced my wife is having an affair.

We've moved 250 miles north and we've still got the same window cleaner.

 

When I was a kid my dad used to let me put my pocket money in a special money box under the stairs.

I was 15 before I found out it was the bloody electric meter.

 

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says, "To your house!"

 

What ship has never docked in Liverpool?

The Premiership.

 

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.

"Since when do you wear women's pants?"

"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

 

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I saw a van with a 'No tools left in this van overnight' sticker on the back.

So I broke in during the day.

 

Help! Yesterday, I had a hard day's night trying to remember any Beatles songs, please get back to me.

 

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe.
Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."
Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"
"Never!" replies Dave.
Well just relax and let it happen"
So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've **** the bed."

 

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said: "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand.
Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said: "Father, Psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.
Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."