The barnsley joke page

Yesterday, a 45-year-old man was going to bed heard thieves in his garage.
He called the police. Unfortunately, the officer on the phone told him they don't have any police officers free at the moment.
The guy hung up and then called again in a moment and tells the officer:
- it’s about these thieves in my garage.
Don't bother coming anymore Ive shot them.
After literally 2 minutes, 4 police cars, Armed response, counter terrorists, ambulances,..... Thieves were obviously caught.
Police officers had a chat with the gentleman
Officer says - “ You said you shot them! “
Gentlemen - “ And you said you don't have a free police car “ ..

 

I used to work with a guy called Ewan Huzami.

Nice man, but always getting into fights for some reason.....

 

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The gardener couldn’t stop swearing.

He had irritable trowel syndrome.....

 

If you’re over 50 you’re basically rich!

Silver in your hair.
Gold in your teeth.
Crystals in your kidneys and an abundance of natural gas.

 

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The distance between ladder rungs has increased by 5%.

This is due to an increase in the height of our population.

Experts have put this down to 'Climb it Change'.

 

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So watching a porn film with the wife, I said why don't you scream and shout when you're having an orgasm?

She said well I do, but you're never there at the time.....

 

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Did you hear about the dyslexic Yorkshire man?

He wore a cat-flap on his head!

 

My wife and I decided never to go to bed angry at each other.

We’ve been awake since Tuesday.

 

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I broke down on the hard shoulder last week and while I was under the bonnet a homeless man approached me and asked what was wrong.

I told him, “Piston broke, mate!”


He said, “Yeah, me too.”

 

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For Valentine's Day, my wife wanted to know where l would take her……

Apparently, ‘from behind’ was not what she wanted to hear.

 

Just had my fortune told at the garden centre.

The fuchsia looks good....

 

"Valentine poems/quotes"

1. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
2. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
3. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
4. I thought that I could love no other
that is until I met your brother.
5. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.
6. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
8. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.