The barnsley joke page

The police have just rang to inform me that they’ve recovered my stolen sofa.

That was nice of them, it was starting to look a bit tatty

 

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The Geography of a Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia.
Ruled by a pair of nuts!

 

I thought that training as an airport baggage handler would be fairly simple ...

But actually, there's a lot to take on board.

 

Just been diagnosed with colour blindness.

That came out of the yellow....

 

People are always complaining about Auto-correct, but it's been around for years.

I got mine when I married the wife.

 

A young lad brings his girlfriend home for the first time to meet his parents.
After a few minutes his dad takes him to one side and says, “You can’t go out with her son, she’s your half-sister, but DON’T tell mum”!
A few months later he brings another girl home, and his dad tells him the same thing!
This happens another two times in the next three months!
One day the lad’s mum says, “You don’t keep your girlfriends very long do you? The last four have not been around again”?
He says, “Dad told me i can’t go out with them, because they were all my half-sisters”! His mum says, “Take no notice of what he says, he’s not your dad anyway”!

 

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Massive congratulations to Hugh Zapritti Boyden for being voted chairman of the Budgerigar Appreciation Society.

 

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The Labour government says it's ready to go all in on 'Artificial' Intelligence after 6 months learning the limitations of their own.

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I met a Chinese girl in the pub last night, we got talking and I said “what do you do?”

She said “I’m a pirate!”

I said..”what you attack and rob ships at sea?”

She said…”No, I am a pirate, I fry pranes!”

 

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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
What's that i asked. It’s a mother and daughter threesome, she said. I said, No, really excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was My Lucky Night. So I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: Mum, you still awake……..

 

Elvis Presley's coffin was made of oak and took three weeks to construct.

John Lennon's coffin was made of pine and took ten days to construct.

Gene Pitney's 24 hours, from balsa....

 

I just saw this fella steal some flowers and the woman from the shop was running after him.

I thought I'd encourage her.. So I shouted....

Run Florist, Run!!..