The barnsley joke page

Teacher says to Johnny "Where is Pakistan?"

Johnny replied " out in the playground with Pakisteve"...

 

Hoping my mate’s girlfriend gets back from the Ukraine before 25th December .

No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas

 

My girlfriend says she is leaving me because of my obsession with names of supermarkets.

"Wait......... Rose" I said.

 

I've just seen a woman looking for her kids in Aldi, she was shouting "Rogan, Josh".


...I think she was their Nan

 

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I went to a vegetarian restaurant last night and when I'd finished the waiter asked: "How was your meal, Sir."

"It was very nice," I replied. "My compliments to the gardener."

 

The Royal Mail takeover.

The Czech is in the post!

 

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5 years ago today I lost my lovely wife.


What a poker game that was....

 

The downside of having a Son who is a Bomb Disposal Technician.

It took him Nine Hours to Open his Christmas Presents last year.

 

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
1st kid says "A computer".
Teacher replies "That'd be very useful."
2nd kid says "A new lawn mower" and gets a similar response.
Little Johnny pops up and says: " At my house we don't need anything."
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure! When my sister started dating a Scouser, I remember dad saying,"Well, that's the last f...ing thing we need!!!"

 

I met some chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby recently. They just kept bragging about how good they were at the game.

There's nothing worse than chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

 

Saw my doctor today, he said "What's the problem?"

I said "I keep feeling like I'm an ocean"

He said, "Can you be more pacific?"

 

An elderly man was telling his neighbour

"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbour . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty." He replied

 

Will miss my dad this Christmas.

I know he'll be up there, looking down at us all.

Moaning about the broken stairlift…

 

I was shopping in town today and stopped a woman in the street.
"Excuse me love....., have you any idea where I can get a decent jumper??"
"Have you tried Fat Face??"... she replied.
"Good idea..," I said.
"Do you know anywhere??".... I said, turning to my wife

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I was at my mate Dave's wedding and got chatting to a woman. I said to her "And what do you do?"


She said "I'm a head teacher."


I replied "Could you teach my girlfriend - She's awful at it......"

 

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Chief ,Sitting Bull, and his 5 squaws, and 7 braves go to a restaurant ,and go straight in .

The girl on the desks shouts out "You can't go in there ,unless you have a reservation "