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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    An Irish bloke goes to the doctor and says "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".
    So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another £10 note appear. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?.
    "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den? The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly."
    "Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy " I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
     
    #16061
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 3, 2024
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    So I rang my mate Stan this morning and his wife answered.

    "I wanted to wish you and Stan a good holiday," I said. "You fly from Gatwick tomorrow, don't you?"

    She said, "Stansted."

    "Blimey," I said, "he seemed absolutely fine in the pub last night."
     
    #16062
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 4, 2024
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #16063
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 4, 2024
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Just tried some of Elvis Costello's new Mediterranean sausages.

    They were delicious.

    I think olive salami is here to stay…
     
    #16064
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 4, 2024
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The woman at the Job Centre said, "You're always late, you ignore the queue of people and you're rude to everyone."

    I said, "What's your point?"

    "Have you ever thought of becoming a bus driver?" She replied
     
    #16065
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 4, 2024
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My doctor told me I'd never reach 50.

    That's the last time I give him a lift on my moped.
     
    #16066
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 4, 2024
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #16067
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 4, 2024
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  8. Wooperts_duck

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    #16068
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 7, 2024
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    During the Covid lockdown, if you had family round on Christmas Day, Police could force entry to your home and make them go home.

    Does anybody know if this service is still available and if you have to book?
     
    #16069
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 7, 2024
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    **********POLITE NOTICE **********

    To people who have Christmas lights flashing blue on their houses/trees, can you please remove them?
    Every time I pass, I think it's the police and I have to let my foot off the accelerator, slam on my brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my mobile phone on the floor, hide my bottle of Smirnoff , swallow my joint and hide my gun.
    Thank you for your understanding.::)
     
    #16070
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 7, 2024
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #16071
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 7, 2024
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    After many years of marriage, I think my wife still finds me sexy.

    Every time I go past her in the house she says, "What an ass."
     
    #16072
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 7, 2024
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #16073
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 7, 2024
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Monumental - Those things...........
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    #16074
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 7, 2024
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Boy last night was windy…I now have 3 trampolines, a couple of hot tubs, a couple of gazebos and a spare caravan for sale. PM for details....

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    #16075
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 7, 2024
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  16. Didley Squat

    Didley Squat Well-Known Member

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    If you don’t mind, that’s my caravan, please…
     
    #16076
    Didley Squat, Dec 9, 2024
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I'll ship it back to you tomorrow, Didley!
     
    #16077
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 9, 2024
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  18. Wooperts_duck

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    #16078
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 9, 2024
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  19. Wooperts_duck

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    #16079
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 9, 2024
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #16080
    Wooperts_duck, Dec 9, 2024
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Page 804 of 830
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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