The barnsley joke page

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A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see," commented the doctor calmly.
"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.
"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were 50p's. This morning, there were £1 coins!"
"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about," he said.


"You're simply going through the change!"..

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Hello, nice to meet you. Have we taken your winter fuel allowance off you yet?

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Did you know that there's a government department that looks after railings.

It's called the ministry of de fence....

 

During the war, my grandfather served as the regimental Christmas tree.

He didn’t see any action but he was highly decorated!

 

Well, just got my first Christmas card through the door today, and it was filled with rice.

That’s when I knew it was from Uncle Ben!

 

This morning I saw an envelope on my doorstep that said:
‘Do Not Bend'.

I stood there for ages trying to figure out how to pick it up...

 

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This Christmas, spare a thought for all the dwarves struggling to put food on the table.

 

I've just bought a Jehovah's witness advent calendar for next month.

Every time I open a door on it, someone tells me to fcuk off.

 

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A husband arrives home and sees his wife washing dishes.
He says, "Love, drop everything and let's have sex!"
The woman stops washing the dishes and happily begins to undress!
He says, "No, not here, baby, let's go to the park across the street and do something crazy for once!"
The woman gets excited and without a second thought opens the door and they run to the park across the street!
They are undressed and well “engaged” when suddenly a Policeman appears.
"What's going on here? Aren't you ashamed? I will fine you for indecent exposure." He says.
The husband complains but the Policeman will hear no excuses and proceeds to fine them.
A £30 fine for the husband and £100 fine for the lady.
"Why £30 for me and £100 for my wife?" asks the husband curiously.
The Policeman replies, "Sir, this is your first time..."