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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

Page 80 of 834
  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I know this is a joke page, but I am asking everyone to wish me luck!! I am on my way to speak to the bank manager, and if things work out for me my life will be drastically changed....I'm talking millions here!!!

    I am so excited I can barely get the stocking over my head!!
     
    #1581
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 12, 2017
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

    Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.
     
    #1582
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 12, 2017
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Looked out the window in horror as a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcycle.

    I rushed outside yelling "Let me through! Let me through!"

    A man in front said "Thank god for that, Are you a doctor?

    I said "No! That's my Pizza."
     
    #1583
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 12, 2017
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Hearing that there was a cure for dyslexia was like music to my arse......
     
    #1584
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 12, 2017
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1585
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 12, 2017
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  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God
    > looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I
    > must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in." God asks
    > Obama first: “What do you believe?" He thinks long and hard, looks
    > God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying
    > true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I
    > always tried to do right by my countrymen". God can’t help but see
    > the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.
    > Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"
    >
    > Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are
    > the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too,
    > have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true
    > patriot and a loyal American."
    > God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he
    > offers her a seat to his right.
    > Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you
    > believe?"
    > Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
     
    #1586
    kiwiqpr, Jun 13, 2017
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  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Adopt A Terrorist -This is BRILLIANT ! '

    I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYONE IN THE CURRENT USA OR UK CHAIN-OF-COMMAND COMPOSING SUCH A BRILLIANT RESPONSE!!
    Adopt a Terrorist.- Too Good to Miss

    The Canadians know how to handle complaints.

    Here is an example.

    A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive
    insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter.
    She received back the following reply:

    National Defence Headquarters
    M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
    101 Colonel By Drive
    Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
    Canada

    Dear Concerned Citizen,

    Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists capturedby Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held byAfghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

    Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .. You will be pleasedto learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department ofNational Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

    In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place themin homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detaineehas been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

    Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demandedin your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standardsof care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.
    Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problemsas mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling, however,westrongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.
    Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbours or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent,but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common householdproducts, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terroristis extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take himwhile helping him adjust to life in our country.

    Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property,thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

    You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that hewill recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time.Just remember that it is all part of respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

    You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counsellor available to help you over any difficultiesyou encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

    Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our joband care for our fellow man. Good luck and God bless you.

    Cordially,
    Gordon O'Connor
    Minister of National Defence
     
    #1587
    kiwiqpr, Jun 13, 2017
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1588
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 13, 2017
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1589
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 13, 2017
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A cheating wife is having sex with her lover when the phone rings.
    She picks it up, listens for a couple of minutes, puts it down and says, "that was my husband.
    "Worried, her lover starts to put his clothes on.
    "Calm down," she says, "we"ve got plenty of time. He"s playing cards with you and the rest of his mates."
     
    #1590
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 13, 2017
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
    "What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You"re 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"
    A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.
    "What happened?", he asked.
    "Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and he beat the crap out of me!
    ""Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"
    "Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?
    ""Oh!" replied the grandad. "The Third Panzer Division."
     
    #1591
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 13, 2017
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago.
    Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world.
    Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
    Her daughter immediately replied,
    "Mum I have someone for you to meet."
    Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks,he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.
    Their first night there she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
    She replied ", my body is yours to explore but down there I am still mourning.
    He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.
    The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.
    She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?
    He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"
     
    #1592
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 14, 2017
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"
    One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
    The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
    25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
    When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
    The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover !!!!!
    Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a ****in' doctor!
     
    #1593
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 14, 2017
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
    "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
    The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
    "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
    The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
    Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
    The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."
    "What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
    "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
    "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,
    "Them Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
     
    #1594
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 14, 2017
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Imagine if all retailers started making their own condoms:

    Tesco condoms 'every little helps'
    Nike condoms 'just do it'
    Peugeot condoms 'the ride of your life'
    KFC condoms 'finger licking good'
    Duracell condoms 'just keep going and going and going..'
    Pringles condoms 'once you pop you can't stop'
    Burger King condoms 'the home of the whopper'
    Polo condoms 'the one with the hole in it....'

    OH FECK!!!
     
    #1595
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 14, 2017
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A farmer is concerned that all 3 of his daughters are going on a date tonight. He decided he'll greet each man who shows up tonight with his shotgun in hand.
    The first man to ring the doorbell greets the farmer with, "Hi, my names Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to see the show. Is she ready to go?"
    The farmer likes this fellow and sends Joe and Flo off.
    The second man to show up says, "Hello, I'm Eddy. I'm looking for Betty. We're gonna go eat some spaghetti. Is she ready?"
    The farmer decides this guys okay too so off they go.
    The third man rings the doorbell says, "Hey, my name's Chuck."
    And the farmer shot him
     
    #1596
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 14, 2017
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  17. UTRs

    UTRs Senile Member

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    <laugh><ok><applause>

    This is my unofficial Not606 forum post of the week:emoticon-0148-yes:
     
    #1597
    UTRs, Jun 14, 2017
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My girlfriend had just passed her driving test so she drove me to town.
    It was packed but we managed to find a space but she was nervous about doing a parallel park.
    "I'm confident in you babe just do what you did in the test" I said
    She slowly started unzipping my fly!!..
     
    #1598
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 14, 2017
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1599
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 14, 2017
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1600
    Wooperts_duck, Jun 14, 2017
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Page 80 of 834
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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