The barnsley joke page

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman arrived at a railway station in a state of inebriation just as The train was about to leave. A helpful porter managed to get The Englishman and The Scotsman aboard as The train pulled out. Then he turned to The Irishman and said, 'I'm sorry sir that I couldn't get you aboard The train.'
'My friends will be sorry too,' said The Irishman, 'they just came to see me off.'

 

My artistic girlfriend likes to draw on my body.

When she was sad, I’d give her my shoulder to crayon.

 

Don't forget winter will soon be upon us and our native birds are finding food scarce.
Please go to your local pet shop and buy a mesh feeder and a bag of nuts for our feathered friends.
There is no finer sight on a winter's morning than a pair of tits around your nuts.
Just remember however, it's a bit too late in the year to expect a swallow.

 

I threw a ball for my dog...

It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a Tuxedo.

 

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Received one of “those” phone calls yesterday.
“Is that Mr. Brown?”
Me: “Yes, it is”
“It’s about your recent accident”
Me: “How the hell did you know about that? I thought it was just going to be a fart”
She hung up!!

 

I thought I saw Michael J Fox in our local garden centre this morning.

I couldn't be sure though, he had his back to the fuchsias.....

 

I went into the car showroom and told the salesman "My wife would like to talk to you about the VW Golf in your window".

"Sir this is a BMW dealership we don't have a VW Golf in the window !" he replied.

"You do now" I said......

 

The wife bought a home waxing kit the other day. She asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle...

I said I would prefer it if she didn't have a moustache at all !

 

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Decided to cut down on my alcohol intake so I've started limiting myself to a single glass of Bacardi & Coke with each meal.

It's going well, I'm already down to 18 meals a day.

 

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two "working girls" and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .. UGH!" .... ALL NIGHT LONG.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed."

 

John Mousinho has been caught driving through Portsmouth at 90mph by the old bill.

When questioned he said he would do anything for 3 points at the moment.....