The barnsley joke page

I have been training my dog to fetch tools from my workshop.

He may not be perfect but he knows the drill.

 

A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago."
The Nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it, the more curious she got so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in. Out came a card that read: "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."
The Nun says to herself, "I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life." She sat back down.
From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.
Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking "this is incredible. I've got to try this again."
Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind." Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life." But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.
Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again."
She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."

 

I keep having a recurring dream that I’m a horse

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That’s 5 nights on the trot now!

 

If Elton John thinks "Sorry" is the hardest word

he wants to try saying Llanfairpwllgwyllgorndrobwillantysiliohogogoch

 

England 0 Iceland 1

I hope they have a better result against Tesco and Asda......

 

I was having dinner with a Chess champion.

The tablecloth was black and white checks.

It took him two hours to pass the salt.

 

The Proclaimers lawn is getting a bit long, so they have been to a number of B&Q stores looking to buy something to cut it with.

They've been to Bathgate, no mower, Linwood, no mower, Methill, no mower, Irvine, no mower.

 

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in mouth and somehow swallowed it whole. The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball." The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left. Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out ,and ate them!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat anything, but ever since he had to s*it out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

I saw Bonnie Tyler in the street today and offered her a Kit-Kat ..but she turned it down. Then I pulled out a Bounty bar...and she refused that also.....

I think she was holding out for an Aero.

 

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This Friday Scotland play Germany at a 66,000 seated stadium.

At the moment 33,000 seats have towels on them........

 

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