The barnsley joke page

I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex"

She replied "At least we know it'll be quick"

 

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A guy goes into a brothel..
Says to the Madame, "I want something kinky!"
So she takes him to a room with a bare wood floor, and a tiny light bulb hanging on a string. In the middle is a milk crate with a chicken sitting on it.
Guy says, "Are you serious?"
Madame says, "You've already paid. I don't care what you do. Take it or leave it.
So he decides to go for it. He has a great time. The bird is clucking, flapping its wings, flailing its legs and the guy is loving it.
He goes back a few days later and asks for the same.
Madame says, "That room is booked solid today, but I have something else you'll like."
She takes him to a room where there's a bunch of people sitting around a two way mirror. On the other side of it is a huge lesbian orgy, with whips, chains, shaving cream and toys everywhere.
Guy sits down and says, "Wow this is amazing!"
Old man next to him replies, "You think this is amazing? Last week there was a guy in there ****ing a chicken!"

 

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My wife called and said "I want to find you naked when I get home from work"

I'll be honest, I feel a bit awkward sat here with her mother.....

 

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A fella stopped me in the town this morning wanting to put an end to ivory hunting.

I said to him “I have no opinion on it” and tried to walk away.

He then asked, “But would you endorse it??”

I said, “They don’t have elephants in Dorset!!”

 

My girlfriend has left me because she says I'm so old fashioned.

I'll wager a shilling she's courting a chap who's a scoundrel....

 

I now identify as both an apple and a pear.

Yes, I’m non-bananary.....

 

I asked singer Elkie Brooks if I could guess the name of her dog.

She said "Okay-but you're a fool if you think its Rover"

 

My wife is leaving me because she says I'm obsessed with supermarkets.

I asked if she wanted any help packing her bags......

 

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain. With a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business .
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet.
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia.
Ruled by a pair of nuts!

 

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This trend of idiot fans running onto the football pitches has to stop.

It's only going to be a matter of time until someone does it at Old Trafford and gets man of the match......