The barnsley joke page

My nan had two passions in life..
LSD and feeding ducks!

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

Erik ten Hag walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"
Ten Hag: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Erik ten Hag, Manager of Manchester United”.
Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Ten Hag: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Hag but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Ten Hag: "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Erik stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Ten Hag?”

 

Just had a copper knock on the door saying that he was looking for a man with one eye.

I said “Try using both, you'll probably find him quicker...”

 

I’m passionate about preserving endangered animals

You should taste my panda jam.......

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

"A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed."

 

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
She asked,
“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

 

I went to Clarence house early today to give King Charles a haircut cut ahead of his official engagements.

I said to the guard, "Can you let me in, I'm here to cut the Kings Hair".

The guard said ," Have you got a Permit?".

No, I said, just a bit off the back"

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

I sat next to a very obese monk on the bus. We got chatting and all he talked about was philosophy and theology.

He was a deep fat friar.

 

HELP NEEDED URGENTLY !! Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on EBay?

Yesterday I put in a bid for a cowboy outfit.

And now I'm apparently 5 mins away from owning Man Utd..

 

The wife checked her husband’s phone and found these names:
‘The tender one’
‘The amazing one’
‘Lady of my dreams’
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number to which his sister replied.
When she dialled the third number her own phone rang.
She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband,
so, she gave him her whole month’s salary to make up for it.
Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend, whose name was saved as:
‘Uncle Mick the mechanic’

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image