The barnsley joke page

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I met a girl at the pub one night when I was much younger and I said to her "I'm gonna make love to you in my lounge, bedroom, kitchen, and the hallway."

She said, "It's nice to pull a bloke with your kind of stamina!"

She was gutted when I took her back to my caravan!

 

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

A kangaroo is marsupial in Australia.

A kangaroot is a Geordie stuck in a lift.

 

A woman walking through a field sees Paddy and Mick working...
Paddy is digging holes and as fast as he is digging them, Mick is filling them in.
After 9 holes she says to Paddy 'why are you digging holes and then Mick is filling them in?'
Paddy replies 'Well there's usually 3 of us but the lad who plants the trees is off sick today!'.

 

"Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds."

John Lennon was bloody rubbish at Cluedo.

 

Meanwhile in the USA.
I'll have two doughnuts and a AK-47 please!

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A fat bird came smiling up to me in a nightclub, put her hand on my groin and said, "Have a guess what I want in my mouth tonight?"
"I...I...I don't know?" I stuttered.
"I'll give you a clue," she laughed, "It has four letters and begins with 'C'"
"Oh, that's easy," I said, looking her up and down, "Cake."

 

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One for Didley......

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Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says,
"Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing.
I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long
gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive
you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back
swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've
been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since
we're being honest with each other, I have something to
tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change
operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can
forgive me."
The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw
a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the
ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf
cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by
one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable
deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart
and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the frickin'
ladies' tees!"

 

I’ve just bought Pavarotti’s old camper van.

It's a Nissan dormer.

 

A farmer had three beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first young man came to the door and said '' I'm Eddie, im here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?'
" NO." The second boy came to the door and said ''I'm Joe. Im here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
"NO". The third boy came to the door and said to the farmer ''hello my name is Chuck''
....the farmer shot Chuck

 

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her
in the act.
For £100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is
his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it!
I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Shark tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4x4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

 

A man was in a long line at his local Sainsbury’s store. As he got to the check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5." The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the check out, he told the girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the check out for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5." A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the check out he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said...
"Mop and bucket to Checkout 5

 

A old man walks into a McDonalds
He is bent over and shuffling slowly....
He approaches the counter with great difficulty and orders an ice cream sundae.....
The cashier asks, "Crushed nuts".....?
The old man replies, "No arthritis"....!!!