The barnsley joke page

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

Joseph said, "write that down, Mary - it"s better than Dave!"

 

Mary had a little skirt with a slit right up both sides,
And everytime that Mary walked you could see her lovely thighs,
Mary had another skirt with a slit right up the front,

She didn't wear that one as often.........

 

A little girl goes to the barbers with her dad and stands next to the chair eating a cake while her dad gets his hair cut.

The Barber smiles at her and says "You"re gonna get hair on your muffin."

"I know" she says, "I"m gonna get tits too"

 

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, an answer to your question. It's probably a bird.

 

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.
After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.
After about 5 or 6 whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal antlers on the wall with.
He asks the barman "What the f*ck is that?"
The barman says "It"s a Moose"
The Scottish chap says "Fu*k me! How big are the cats!?

 

My wife and I are inseparable.

The other night it took six policemen and two dogs to pull us apart

 

Apparently double-barrelled names come about when both parents want to keep their surnames, according to my friend Paddy Murphy-Murphy.

 

I went on a date the other evening.

I said, "So, are you a vampire?"

"No," she said, with a puzzled look on her face.

I said, "So you can see your reflection and you still come out looking like that?"

 

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My wife dresses to kill.

She also cooks the same way.

 

A man was walking down the street, when suddenly he was hit by a car.
A policeman that attended the scene said to the injured man,
" Did you get a look at the driver?""No. " said the man, "but I can tell you it was my wife."
"How"s that ?"asked the policeman.
And the man said, " I"d recognise her laugh anywhere."

 

I went to the shop today and I was only in there for 5 minutes, when I came out there was a parking attendant writing a ticket out, so I called him a fu*king *anker. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres so I called him an arsehole. He finished with the 2nd and then started writing a 3rd ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care anyway, my car was parked around the corner.

 

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My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week".

 

I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."

 

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.

“CASE DISMISSED!!”

 

Rihanna, Usher and Justin Bieber were walking over a bridge.
Rihanna trips and gets her head stuck between the railings.
Without a sideways glance, Usher pulls aside her G-String and fu*ks her senseless.
He stands back and tells Justin "your turn"!
Justin burst out into tears. "Whats wrong? Asks Usher.
Justin sobs, "My head won't fit in the railings"

 

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