The barnsley joke page

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat 3 times
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!
She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

 

I've been trying to break up with an Optician recently....it's really awkward.

Every time I tell her I can't see her anymore she moves an inch closer and says: "How about now?"

 

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Today I finished my first nude painting.

It was frigging cold but the fence looks brilliant.....

 

Before I was born, my father apparently got a sign from God who asked him “Do you want your son to have a big willy or do you want him to have good grammar?”

I think he decided to opt for what he thought was more importanter.

 

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An Indian man has been arrested today in Cheltenham for assaulting his wife.

Mr Chinda Goodnpropa has denied all the charges.

 

SINGLE vs. ENGAGED vs. MARRIED

Sipping her drink, the SINGLE girl leered and said
"Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.
He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The ENGAGED woman giggled and said
"That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto heels.
He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The MARRIED woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning.
I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.
I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume.
I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,
"Hey, Batman, What's for dinner?"

 

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