The barnsley joke page

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

I'm not saying staff at my local Asda are lazy b*stards but I've used the self checkout twice and I've already been named Employee of the Month!

 

l've trained my dog to go fetch me a bottle of wine.

He's a Bordeaux collie.

 

A German woman married an American and lived with him in Virginia. She was not proficient in English and had problems when she went shopping.
One day she went wanted to buy chicken legs. Unable to be understood, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher smiled and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The delighted butcher immediately understood.
On the 3rd day, when she needed to buy sausages, she brought her husband to the store.
Please scroll down.
















What were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English.

 

Bruce Springsteen is joining the world's best Abba tribute band on their world tour, alternating which member he'll be performing as . . . . when they're playing

in England he'll be Benny, and he is going to be Björn in the USA

 

Is it me or does that bush need tidying up?

please log in to view this image

 

Anyone know what time International Women’s day finishes?

I’m starving!!

 

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’

He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

 

please log in to view this image

 

I've just started a new job as a travelling gynecologist for female illegal immigrants ...

... I have to go along the coast and check their points of entry.

 

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens. The executioners all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

 

please log in to view this image

 

“If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”

 

Anybody needing diesel or petrol??? You better get over here quick before they realise that the pump is messed up. Only £2.79 a gallon! I filled up my car for £30.00! It’s pump number 2 at the station on the corner of … See more

 

Am I the only one that finds it very hard to believe that two penguins would travel from Antartica to The Middle East to get on an Ark?

 

Vegans need to lay off others for their eating habits.

The last thing we need is another Spinach Inquisition.

 

My girlfriend has left me due to my love of horse racing.

She's at the gate...and she's off!