The barnsley joke page

I'm old enough to remember the worst Winters we've ever had in the UK.

Mike and Bernie........

 

The Taxman decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the Tax Office. The Taxman was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his Accountant. The Taxman said, ‘Well, Sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the tax office finds that believable.’ ‘I’m a great Gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about I give you a demonstration?’ The Taxman thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay, Go ahead.’ Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.’ The Taxman thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’ Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The Taxman’s jaw drops! Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.’ Now the Taxman can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his false teeth and bites his good eye. The stunned Taxman now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s Accountant as a witness. He starts to get nervous. ‘Want to go double or nothing?’, Grandpa asks? ‘I’ll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on this side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’ The Taxman, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old man could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much pees all over the Taxman’s desk. The Taxman leaps to his feet with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own Accountant moans loudly and puts his head in his hands. ‘Are you okay?’, the Taxman asks. ‘Not really,’ says the Accountant. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

 

I once asked a farmer how many sheep he had.

He said he didn't know, because every time he started counting them he fell asleep..........

 

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I got really worried when I noticed random items on my bank statement:
A bicycle horn,
A huge plastic flower,
A pair of size 80 shoes.

So I called my bank and it looks like my card's been 'clowned.'

 

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Young girl walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke with whom she had sex the previous evening, after they met in a pub.
He is stacking washing powder boxes on shelves.
You lying sod!" she yells. "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!"
"No," he says, "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."

 

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I don't normally brag about my expensive trips.

But I just got home from the vets.......

 

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Charley, a new retired-greeter at B&Q, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-on job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear”.
“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder”.
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?”
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, “They usually saluted and said, “Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir”?

 

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