The barnsley joke page

Scientists now believe that if you masturbate frequently, you have a greater chance of developing Tourettes in later life.

How the **** do these bastard ****-bags come up with this ****ing bollocks?

 

New words for 2017......

* TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
* SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person..
* AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* OH-NO SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e..g. You've hit 'reply all')...
* GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i..e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.
* MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* TART FUEL
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female.
* PICASSO BUM
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

 

Had to have a blood transfusion the other day.

All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Pakistani blood.

It's not as bad as it sounds, I now have a 12 inch cock, and I'm top of the housing list.

 

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in February, and left me £10,000." said the friend. "Gee, that's tough," he replied. "Then in March," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me £50,000."

The man looking concerned says, "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

The friend continues, "And last month my aunt died, and left me £15,000." "Three close family members lost in three months!? I'm so sorry!"

"Then this month..." continued the guy "Nothing....... Not a single penny!"

 

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight." His wife asked, "What is that?"

Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"

His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my mother's house!"

 

Paddys" wife was ready to give birth so he rushes her to hospital.

On arrival the nurse asks "How dilated is she?"

To which paddy relies,"Oh Jaysus we"re both over the f*cking moon"

 

Paddy asked his wife what she want's for her birthday. She said, "I'd love a black iPad."

So he punched her.

 

I always carry a picture of my Wife and Kids in my wallet.

It reminds me why there is no money in it......

 

I went to Dubai recently on holiday and I was offered 20 Camels in exchange for my wife.

I don't actually smoke but I thought f*ck it, best offer I'm likely to get.

 

For sale - bought in error - I live at 45.....

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Getting your helmet wet, getting some gash or just going head first into a ladies bush, however you want to put it.

Falling off your bike just isn't fun.

 

At a time of crisis when the world is under a massive cyber attack, where the hell is Doctor Who?

 

I've just been down my garden and was shocked to see my dog f*cking a cabbage...

Silly little bas*ard must of thought it was a collie!!

 

A guy goes into a chemist to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk?
"Gee, I don"t know.""Go see Sophie in aisle 4."
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms."What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I"ve never done this before. I don"t know what size."
The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him, and then yells,
"Clean up in aisle 4!"

 

For decades two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until, one day, an angel came down from heaven and approached the statues.
"You"ve been such exemplary statues," the angel announced to them, "that I"m going to give you a special gift. I"m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly could be heard a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I"ll crap on its head!"

 

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Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at Heritage Point Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'

The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'

After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says,'He's not even a member of this golf club'.

 

This is something that happened at an assisted living centre.


The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a

central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for

breakfast so an assistant went upstairs and knocked on his door to see

if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said

that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to

the dining area.


An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his

room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but

was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and

seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she

was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he just wanted his

breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he

had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was

completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an

ambulance for him.


A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.

The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in

one leg of his boxer shorts.


This should be sent to children so that they don’t sell the house before

they know the facts.

 

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