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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    If there are any BBC presenters reading this, I'm happy to send you a picture of my arse for 5 grand.

    Please message me for bank details........
     
    #14002
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  3. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    I was in our local car park, and I saw a car parked with a bumper sticker that said "I miss Liverpool".

    So, I smashed a window, nicked the car radio, and left a note saying "I hope this helps!"........
     
    #14004
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  5. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Some Egyptian bloke just pulled up in a BMW, beeped his horn and bared his naked arse out of the car window.

    Bloody toot and car moon........
     
    #14006
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Winalot have just announced bankruptcy.

    They have called in the retrievers....
     
    #14007
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  8. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #14009
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    I phoned a Radio Station today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
    The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize'
    "That's Fantastic!" I called out in delight.
    "Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a geography Question."
    "Well, I've got a degree in Geography from Salford University," | proudly replied, "and I've taught Geography to A level students for the last 10 vears"
    "Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 VIP tickets to the premier of new Barbie movie and to meet actors afterwards, what is the capital of France?"
    "Islamabad", I replied.
     
    #14010
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #14011
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #14012
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Why does my wife always wait till I'm at the other end of the house before asking me to

    "Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!"?
     
    #14013
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  14. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #14015
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A lorry loaded with Oxford Thesaurus books overturned on the motorway spilling its contents..

    Onlookers were stunned, shocked, speechless, dumbfounded, astonished, amazed, bemused, flabbergasted, surprised, startled.
     
    #14016
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?”
    The first blonde answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
    The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his profile.”
    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?”
    The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
    The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?! Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognise him?” He quickly adds” . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
    The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses.”
    The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
    He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
    “That’s easy,” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.
     
    #14017
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Sammy Davis Jr and Ella Fitzgeralds chicken restaurant was a complete and total flop.

    Evidently no one wanted to eat at Sam n Ella's.
     
    #14018
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.

    “That’s not a lizard,” the store clerk told me.

    “That’s a stand-up chameleon.”
     
    #14019
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #14020
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