The barnsley joke page

I hate going for prostate exams with my doctor...

Are dim lights, candles, a bottle of wine and Barry White music really necessary?

 

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I know a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the local park

She sells C cells by the seesaw....

 

When making a cup of tea for the wife, I shouted from the kitchen "Do you want a Kit Kat Chunky ?"

Don't remember much after that !.........

 

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Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork’s hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, “Let’s be avin’ da fingers and I’ll see what oi can do.”
Paddy said, “Oi haven’t got da fingers.”
“Whadda ya mean you haven’t got da fingers? Lord T’underin’ Jesus, it’s 2008! We’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn’t ya bring da fingers?”
And Paddy said, “How da f**k was I ‘sposed to pick dem up?”

 

Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

 

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A class was given homework to find out something
exciting and tell it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little
boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class. He
picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a 'period'," he replied.
"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a 'period'?"
"Darned if I know," said the boy,
"but yesterday my sister was missing one,
Mum fainted,
Dad had a heart attack
and the boy next door joined the Army!

 

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An old trucker sat down in a diner and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the wrinkled old gear jammer and asked, ‘Are you a real trucker?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life driving big rigs. I have delivered grain to breweries, I have carted machinery across the country, I have given rides at county fairs to lots of kids, and clocked up over 4 million miles, that's like to the moon and back 10 times so I guess I am a trucker – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young boy sat down on the other side of the old truck driver and asked, ‘Are you a real trucker?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian!

 

A man went to the doctor. He said "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks". "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee".
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this".
The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle" the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can".
I have no idea what to tell you" the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books" he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
"I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg appears to be broke in three places"