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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    BBQ RULES:

    We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

    (1) The woman buys the food.

    (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

    (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

    (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

    Here comes the important part:
    (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

    (6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.

    (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

    Important again:
    (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

    (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

    (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes

    And most important of all:
    (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

    (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
     
    #1361
    Wooperts_duck, May 8, 2017
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  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    A priest was invited to attend a house party.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.
    A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening..

    Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.

    The little boy pointed to the priest's neck

    When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked
    the boy; "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

    The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,
    "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".
     
    #1362
    kiwiqpr, May 9, 2017
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My wife wanted a new ring for her birthday.

    I went a little better and got her 4 new rings, or a hob as it’s more commonly known.
     
    #1363
    Wooperts_duck, May 9, 2017
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Plymouth Argyle had an open top bus tour around the city.

    Apparently the bus was late, not because of the crowds, but because of gearbox trouble.

    They couldn't get it above 2nd................<laugh>
     
    #1364
    Wooperts_duck, May 9, 2017
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A child psychologist vists a school to find out what the children of today are thinking.
    First he sees a boy in the corner of the playground running around in circles and pretending to be a truck.
    "So what are you doing then?" The psychologist asks.
    "I"m a truck driver and are driving all over the world," the boy responds.
    Next, the psychologist sees another boy who appears to be doing press-ups in the middle of the playground.
    "So what are you doing then?" the psychologist asks.
    "I"m sorting out his wife while he"s gone."
     
    #1365
    Wooperts_duck, May 9, 2017
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1366
    Wooperts_duck, May 9, 2017
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1367
    Wooperts_duck, May 9, 2017
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  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Why I Like Retirement !

    Question:How many days in a week?
    Answer:6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday


    Question:When is a retiree's bedtime?
    Answer:Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

    Question:How many retirees to change a light bulb?
    Answer:Only one, but it might take all day.
    Question:What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
    Answer:There is not enough time to get everything done.

    Question:Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
    Answer:The term comes with a 10% discount.
    Question:Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
    Answer:Tied shoes.

    Question:Why do retirees count pennies?
    Answer:They are the only ones who have the time.
    Question:What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
    Answer:NUTS!

    Question:Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
    Answer:They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.


    Question:What do retirees call a long lunch?
    Answer:Normal.
    Question:What is the best way to describe retirement?
    Answer:The never ending Coffee Break.

    Question:What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
    Answer:If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
    Question:Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
    Answer:He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

    And, my very favorite....
    QUESTION:What do you do all week?
    Answer:Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

    SERENITY

    Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
    'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied....
    'Two years older than me'
    'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
    She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
    'And what do you think is the best thing
    about being 104?' the reporter asked...
    She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

    The nice thing about being senile is
    you can hide your own Easter eggs
    and have fun finding them.

    I've sure gotten old!
    I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate
    cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind,
    can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
    take 40 different medications that
    make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
    blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
    Have poor circulation; hardly feel my
    hands and feet anymore. Can't remember
    if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
    But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to
    join a fitness club and start exercising.
    I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
    I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and
    down, and perspired for an hour. But,
    by the time Igot my leotards on,
    the class was over.

    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
    Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

    Know how to prevent sagging?
    Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

    It's scary when you start making the same
    noises as your coffee maker.

    These days about half the stuffin my
    shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

    THE SENILITY PRAYER :
    Grant me the senility to forget the people
    I never liked anyway, the good fortune
    to run into the ones I do, and the
    eyesight to tell thedifference.

    Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

    Always Remember This:
    You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
    You grow old because you stop laughing!
     
    #1368
    kiwiqpr, May 10, 2017
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1369
    Wooperts_duck, May 10, 2017
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
    Their domestic bliss had long been the talk of the town.
    A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
    Well it dates back to our honeymoon, explained the woman.
    We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.
    We hadn't gone too far when my mule stumbled. My husband quietly said, "that"s once".
    We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more he said quietly, "that�s twice".
    We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time.
    He promptly removed a gun from his pocket and shot the mule.
    Well, of course, I started to protest over his treatment of the mule.
    He looked at me and quietly said, "that's once"..."
     
    #1370
    Wooperts_duck, May 10, 2017
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My wife"s spent hours in the back garden today.

    Suppose I"d better go unlock the back door.
     
    #1371
    Wooperts_duck, May 10, 2017
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    "Push harder!" I shouted to my wife whilst she was in labour. "f**k off you bastard!" She screamed back at me.

    Bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my bloody fault the car broke down on the way to the Hospital!
     
    #1372
    Wooperts_duck, May 10, 2017
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I left my phone at home this morning, I've just nipped home at lunchtime to pick it up and my wife had sent me a text at 9:38am saying:

    "Hi hun, you've left your phone in the kitchen"

    What the feck am I still doing with this woman?
     
    #1373
    Wooperts_duck, May 10, 2017
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Halal meat - how you greet your friends if you live in Newcastle.
     
    #1374
    Wooperts_duck, May 10, 2017
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I just got asked the time by an DHL delivery driver.

    So I told the ba*tard it was between 8am and 1pm!
     
    #1375
    Wooperts_duck, May 10, 2017
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    This girl was riding in a car with her boyfriend. She got bored and said "Every time you speed up 5MPH I"ll take some clothes off."
    Well, this went on for about 15 minutes until she was naked and he was going about 95MPH.
    They lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.The guy was hurt pretty badly and his car door was crushed to the point where he couldn"t open it.
    His naked girlfriend was fine and could get out of the car. So, she took her boyfriend"s shoe and put it in front of her beaver and covered her chest with her arm.
    She flagged down a car.
    Without thinking she said "HELP MY BOYFRIEND IS STUCK AND HE CAN"T GET OUT!!"
    The guy in the car looked at the shoe on her crotch and his eyes got really big.
    He said "If he is that far in, he"s not coming out!"
     
    #1376
    Wooperts_duck, May 10, 2017
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
    It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all
    been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
    On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub
    on the far side for their first legal drink.
    So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took
    a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat
    ... and nearly drowned!
    Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
    Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother ...
    "Grandma he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across
    the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
    Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled eyes and said, "Because
    ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in
    December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya blinking idiot!"
     
    #1377
    Wooperts_duck, May 10, 2017
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  18. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    THE PRIEST'S RETIREMENT DINNER..

    A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish.
    A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
    However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
    "Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!
    I got my first impression of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.
    The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set, and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
    He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law.
    I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things.
    But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
    Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
    He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
    "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician.
    "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession."

    Moral: Never, never be late...
     
    #1378
    kiwiqpr, May 11, 2017
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #1379
    Wooperts_duck, May 12, 2017
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A black guy dies and goes to heaven.
    At the pearly gates he is greeted by St Peter.
    St Peter says, "heaven is very full at the moment and we are only accepting people who have done something amazing.
    Have you ever done anything amazing?".
    The black guy says, "in fact I have. I f*cked the daughter of the imperial dragon of the Klu Klux Klan."
    "Wow," says St Peter, "that is amazing! When was that?"
    To which the black guy replies, "oh, about five minutes ago"
     
    #1380
    Wooperts_duck, May 12, 2017
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Page 69 of 830
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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