The barnsley joke page

We've just come back from a holiday in Spain.
My wife didn't really enjoy it, because everyone could speak English and all the food was like the stuff we eat back at home.
She said, "Next time, I want to go somewhere where they eat weird **** and you can't understand a word they say."
So I've just booked us a fortnight in Scotland.

 

Father Flynn had been parish priest at St Monica's for over fifteen years and boasted that he knew all his parishioners by the sound of their voices. So he was a little miffed when he was hearing confessions one Saturday morning and realised there was a person talking whose voice he couldn't place.
'Are you a stranger here?' asked the priest through the confessional screen.
'Yes, Father,' said the voice. 'I'm touring with the circus that came into town yesterday.'
'I see,' said the priest. 'And what do you do in the circus?'
'I'm an acrobat,' said the stranger.
'Bejesus, I'd like to see you work,' said Father Flynn, 'but I'll be too busy to come to the show.'
'No problem,' said the acrobat. 'I can do a few things now if you have the time.'
Out came the priest from the confessional box and he sat in a pew watching the circus performer do handstands, flick flacks, somersaults and multifarious contortions.
As this was going on, Biddie Murphy rushed out of church saying to herself:
'If that's the sort of penance he's giving, I'm going to change me underwear!'

 

My cars fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another one.....luckily my wife was with me and wearing tights so I knew how to fix the problem.....

I put them on my head and robbed Halfords....

 

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.
The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."
The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

 

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I said to the girl in the shop: ‘I want to buy a hat.’

She said: ‘Fedora?’

I said: ‘No, for myself.’

 

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

 

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social worker raised doubts about their suitability. The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained, and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social worker then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social worker expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social worker was finally satisfied and asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"Oh, It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."

 

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11

 

Today I donated my watch, phone and £100, to some poor guy.

You don’t know the happiness I felt when he put the knife back in his pocket!

 

An old man crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son as he is about to speak the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him and you !”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says “Dad I train Navy Seals not dolphins"

 

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."
"I'm sorry sir.", said the ticket agent, "We don't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge", whispered Mildred.
"What", said Marge.
"I think this guy next to me is a pervert.", said Mildred.
"What makes you think that", asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."
"I thought so", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my popcorn

 

Johnny received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse filthy vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Johnny tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, Johnny was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Johnny shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. Johnny, in desperation, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Johnny quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Johnny's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
Johnny was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly.
"May I ask what the chicken did?"