The barnsley joke page

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The WashingtonPost has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted,adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky.
When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks,
"Where is everybody?"
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," answered the bartender.

 

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A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up.
The doctor told him "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. If you keep this up you might live forever! You have the body of a 35-year-old.
By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60-year-old responded "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer".
The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded again "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said "You mean to tell me you are 60years old and both your father and your grandfather are still alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60-year-old said "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that" said the patient "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he's getting married again".
The doctor said "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said "Did I say he wanted to?"

 

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says ' wow it wasn't that creased in the shop'

 

Married Six Times

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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 6 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married six times.?"
"Well, husband No. 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.”
"Husband No. 2 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.”
"Husband No. 3 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.”
"Husband No. 4 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.”
"Husband No. 5 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.”
"Husband No. 6 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was............... God I miss him!”
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited.”
"Wonderful" said the husband, "but why me?”
"You're with the “GOVERNMENT"................... This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!!"

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A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically.
The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

 

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.
Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size.
But she warned Linda not to taste any of the green persimmons because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the priest climbed into the pulpit and said,
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday"

 

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Samuels, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Samuels, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Samuels arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Samuels asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Samuels.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for one of these expensive tests."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Alberta Health recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

 

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh*t."

 

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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?".