1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

Page 68 of 830
  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,470
    Likes Received:
    294,481
    please log in to view this image
     
    #1341
    Wooperts_duck, May 5, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, Didley Squat, kiwiqpr and 1 other person like this.
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,470
    Likes Received:
    294,481
    Women are like cheese. They come in different shapes, colours, and with various sized holes. Mature one's have blue veins running through them.

    And they always go down easier with wine.
     
    #1342
    Wooperts_duck, May 5, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, Didley Squat, kiwiqpr and 1 other person like this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,470
    Likes Received:
    294,481
    Rimmel say.....'Get the London Look.'

    What's that then? A Burka or a Turban?
     
    #1343
    Wooperts_duck, May 5, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, Didley Squat, kiwiqpr and 1 other person like this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,470
    Likes Received:
    294,481
    The Conservatives have pledged to invest in Merseyside and create 100,000 jobs if they win the election.

    The Labour Party now regard Liverpool as a safe seat!
     
    #1344
    Wooperts_duck, May 5, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, Didley Squat, kiwiqpr and 1 other person like this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,470
    Likes Received:
    294,481
    please log in to view this image
     
    #1345
    Wooperts_duck, May 5, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego, Didley Squat and 1 other person like this.
  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    116,081
    Likes Received:
    232,376
    Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week.
    Took her to the fair lastnight, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
     
    #1346
    kiwiqpr, May 5, 2017
    likesforeveryone, Wooperts_duck, San Diego and 1 other person like this.

  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,470
    Likes Received:
    294,481
    please log in to view this image
     
    #1347
    Wooperts_duck, May 5, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, kiwiqpr, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,470
    Likes Received:
    294,481
    please log in to view this image
     
    #1348
    Wooperts_duck, May 6, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, kiwiqpr, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,470
    Likes Received:
    294,481
    A guy goes to Moscow on business, the first night he picks up a hooker in the Hotel Bar and takes her back to his room.
    Being a hooker he"s not expecting much, but as they"re going at it she starts moaning, he starts pumping for all he"s worth and she starts squealing. he"s really getting into it now, banging like the proverbial sh*thouse door and she starts screaming.
    Afterwards, she"s shattered, she drags herself to her feet, takes the money and says "Mushka, Mushka".
    "She must have loved that and is telling me well done" the guys thinks.
    Next day he meets his business contact, and they go off for a round of golf, the Russian tees off first, he hits a screamer right down the middle of the fairway, 300 yards, a perfect shot.
    Keen to impress, the tourist wants to use the little Russian he knows, so he says "Mushka, Mushka".
    The Russian looks at him and says "What do you mean wrong hole?"
     
    #1349
    Wooperts_duck, May 7, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, UTRs, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,470
    Likes Received:
    294,481
    please log in to view this image
     
    #1350
    Wooperts_duck, May 7, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,470
    Likes Received:
    294,481
    please log in to view this image
     
    #1351
    Wooperts_duck, May 7, 2017
    Makemstine Roger and kiwiqpr like this.
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,470
    Likes Received:
    294,481
    Plymouth Argyle have just announced the discovery of a natural spring under their Home Park pitch.

    They're bottling it...........
     
    #1352
    Wooperts_duck, May 7, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego, Didley Squat and 1 other person like this.
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,470
    Likes Received:
    294,481
    Choosing who to vote for is like having to choose a sexually transmitted disease.

    They're all unpleasant and some are worse than others, but you really don't want any of them!
     
    #1353
    Wooperts_duck, May 7, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego, Didley Squat and 1 other person like this.
  14. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    116,081
    Likes Received:
    232,376
    Time for a clear, serious grammar lesson...
    No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
    The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
    Here is his astute answer:
    When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!
    He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!
     
    #1354
    kiwiqpr, May 8, 2017
    likesforeveryone, Wooperts_duck, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  15. UTRs

    UTRs Senile Member

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2013
    Messages:
    34,350
    Likes Received:
    74,268
    What's a 6.9?

    A good time interrupted by a period...
     
    #1355
    UTRs, May 8, 2017
    Wooperts_duck, kiwiqpr and San Diego like this.
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,470
    Likes Received:
    294,481
    Why do Scotsmen have blue willies?

    Because they are tight fisted wan*ers.
     
    #1356
    Wooperts_duck, May 8, 2017
    Makemstine Roger and San Diego like this.
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,470
    Likes Received:
    294,481
    A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
    Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
    He told them to p*ss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
    OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
    Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
    Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat,
    "Because I f*cking didn"t."
     
    #1357
    Wooperts_duck, May 8, 2017
    Makemstine Roger and San Diego like this.
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,470
    Likes Received:
    294,481
    A woman rushes into a police station shouting "Grape Grape!!!!"

    The Policeman on the desk says "don't you mean rape?"

    The woman replies "No No there were a bunch of them!!!!"
     
    #1358
    Wooperts_duck, May 8, 2017
    Makemstine Roger and San Diego like this.
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,470
    Likes Received:
    294,481
    This guy from across the road was talking to me earlier.
    “My wife’s just told me she’s been having an affair with Dave the milkman,” he confided.
    “What? That fat ugly fu*ker I see every morning outside your house?”
    “Yes,” he laughed, cheering up.
    “Why would Dave the milkman want to fu*k that?”
     
    #1359
    Wooperts_duck, May 8, 2017
    Makemstine Roger and San Diego like this.
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,470
    Likes Received:
    294,481
    Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
    As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
    The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
    "Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
     
    #1360
    Wooperts_duck, May 8, 2017
    Makemstine Roger and San Diego like this.
Page 68 of 830
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

Share This Page