The barnsley joke page

Well that escalated quickly.....

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I went for a job interview to be an ice cream man.

Didn’t get it as I couldn’t do Sundaes.....

 

Just bought a sweet car online.

Previously owned by Neil Diamond.....

 

A pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”
No one moved.
The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”
Again, all was quiet.
And then comes the blonde moment.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

 

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Woke up this morning to find a spoon in my mouth, a tea bag in my left eye and milk in my right ear.

I'm sick of being treated like a mug...

 

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mum and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.
'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father.
"Important thing is we're all together today."
Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mum look great, Dad.
I just flew in from Sydney between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father.
"We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived.
"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mum and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
"You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.
Through the years your mum and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and said,
"WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep", said the father,
"Cheap ones too..."

 

LIVE SCENES: Chelsea's new signings have all just arrived for their first training session

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