The barnsley joke page

One day a bus driver went to the bus garage started his bus and drove off along the route.
No problem for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however,a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet height, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, “ Big John doesn't have to pay!
The driver was five feet three,thin, and basically meek.
Naturally,he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.
And the next day, and the one after that..
This went on and the driver started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer.
He signed up for body building course, karate, judo and all that stuff.
By the end of the summer,he had become quite strong and the big thing is that he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday when Big John once again got on the bus and said, “Big John doesn't pay!” The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger and screamed, “And why not?”
With a surprised look on his face Big John replied, “ Big John has a bus pass."

 

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Hold it firmly in your hand
Put it in your mouth
Lick it to straighten it
If that doesn’t work suck it
Now you can put it in the hole
Threading a needle is so hard

 

Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office
The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.
The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

 

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"Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick.
"How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"
"Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?"
"A ten-foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone down.

 

I noticed on my TV remote, there was a 'Cinema Surround' button, so I pushed it.
All of a sudden, a voice came from behind me saying, "Move your head you fat tw*t!

 

Nicknames. My mate a sparky looked like Elton John and got called socket man

 

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David Beckham gets into a taxi at Qatar airport, he sees the driver looking at him for about 5 minutes in the rear view mirror. Eventually the driver says “ok, give us a clue then?”

Beckham sigh's and replies “well I had a glittering career for Man United, married a Spice Girl and played over 100 times for England, is that enough?”.

Driver says “no you thick c*nt, where are you going!?”

 

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."