The barnsley joke page

After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a
blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food
to replenish his justspent energy.
He pours himself a glass of milk
and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty
hot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off.
Just then the blonde
walks in and says,
"Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

 

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Old Muldoon, lived alone in the Irish countryside with only his faithful pet dog Benji for company:
Sadly one day his beloved dog died and Muldoon went to the parish priest to tell him and said.
"Faither, my beloved dog and best Benji just passed away. "Could ya' be saying a Mass for the poor creature Faither?"
Sadly shaking his head father Patrick put his hand on Muldoon's shoulder and replied. "I'm afraid not my friend. Sadly the Vatican rules do not allow us, we cannot have church services for an animal. But there are some Baptists down the lane and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll be able to do something for the poor creature."
Muldoon stood up thanked the priest, shook hands and said. "That's a shame Faither to be sure. But thanks fur the suggestion about them Baptists, i'll go an check wi them right away Faither. Do ya think £5,000 wid be enough tae gi tae them fur the service or should I offer some mair?"
Father Patrick exclaimed. "Bejaysus, Sweet Mary Mother of Jesus Muldoon! Why the hell didn't ya tell me the dog was a Catholic?"

 

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass, and showed it to her.
She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.
They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band packed up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

 

Two blokes are in hospital in adjoining beds, waiting to go into theatre
One says to the other “What you in for”?
The other replies “Endoscopy”
“What’s that then”? the first bloke asks.
“They’ll send a camera down my throat into my stomach and look for things like ulcers or even cancers. What you in for”? replies the second bloke.
“Camera up my bum" says the first bloke.
“Do you mean a Colonoscopy”? says the second bloke
“Nah”, says the first bloke, “The missus caught me taking pictures of the next door neighbour sunbathing nude in her back garden”

 

I have a problem I need some advice on, I suspected my wife was seeing someone else, the usual signs, I pick the phone up when someone rings and they hang up, she has been going out a lot with the girls.
I decided last night to hide behind the shed where I keep my boat and wait for her to come home, a car pulled up and she got out,
buttoning up her top and then she took her pants from her bag and put them on. It was at that moment crouched behind boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket .
Is it that something that can be welded, or do I have to replace the whole bracket ?

 

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the bloody ship?"

 

They say that the dog is truly man's best friend.

If you don't believe me, put your dog and your wife in the boot of your car and after an hour open it and see which one is happy to see you!

 

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