The barnsley joke page

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asks what's wrong. "Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

 

On a recent study it was said that Italian men have the most regular sex, at about 3-4 times a week, with average British man at about 6 times a month.

The least regular sex goes to the Eskimo, with about 2-3 times a year, which came as a massive shock to me.

I didn't even know I was an Eskimo.

 

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced.
“My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
The bartender inquired.
“What makes you say that?”
Bill beamed with pride,
“Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."
"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around,
that every time a mail or delivery person came by,
she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
Such Affection, So Much Love.......

 

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I used to work at a cat sanctuary.

I had to quit because they cut meowers down.......

 

I bought a new SatNav it's really good

Yesterday I drove past a Zoo and it said Bear Left .....

Now that's clever

 

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Jose Mourinho gets a letter delivered to his house in Rome.
Opens it, it's an electricity bill for £17,000 forwarded on from Manchester United Football Club..
He rings the club, "I think there's been a mistake, you sent me a bill but I haven't worked for you for years."
No Jose sorry, but there’s no mistake......
You were the last person in the trophy room in 2017 and you left the fu*king light on!"

 

Little Johnny, Billy, and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day.
As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards,
They happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.
As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left his friends and took off running for home.
The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same hole in the fence and started to watch the woman.
Again, after just a few minutes, Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly.
On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again.
But this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.
Johnny replied, “My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would turn to stone…
And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard!