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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #12441
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 23, 2022
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #12442
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 23, 2022
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  3. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    My girlfriend was putting sun cream on.

    "Do you mind doing my back?" she asked.

    "Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes."

    "Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?"

    And that was all the invitation I needed...
     
    #12443
    Makemstine Roger, Apr 24, 2022
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
    The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
    The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'
    The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'
    After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says,
    'He's not even a member of this golf club'.
     
    #12444
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 25, 2022
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #12445
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 25, 2022
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #12446
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 25, 2022
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    I went into my local pet shop.
    I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
    The man said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
    I said, "I'm not fussed what star sign it is really"
     
    #12447
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 25, 2022
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  8. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    The Reverend John Lipps was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
    "Mrs Fitzgerald" the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure" she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realised that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her.
    When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar". The reverend looked up at the bartender and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Lipps".
    The bartender nodded "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job".
     
    #12448
    Makemstine Roger, Apr 25, 2022
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  9. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    In bed with my Chinese girlfriend I happened to remark that her fa*ny seemed to be getting bigger.

    She went mad and said "You always clittysizing"
     
    #12449
    Makemstine Roger, Apr 25, 2022
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  10. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover and decides to wind him up so he shouts over
    "How's the second-hand pussy?"

    Quick as a flash, her lover replies
    "Great! After the first three inches, it's like brand new."
     
    #12450
    Makemstine Roger, Apr 25, 2022
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  11. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages.
    We just want to set them free and play with them.
     
    #12451
    Makemstine Roger, Apr 25, 2022
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  12. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan Forum Moderator

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    upload_2022-4-25_19-30-38.png
     
    #12452
    Gordon Armstrong, Apr 25, 2022
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  13. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan Forum Moderator

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    upload_2022-4-25_19-38-12.png
     
    #12453
    Gordon Armstrong, Apr 25, 2022
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #12454
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 25, 2022
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #12455
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 25, 2022
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
    "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
    "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
    She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
    "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
    Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the S*it."
     
    #12456
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 25, 2022
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #12457
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 25, 2022
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #12458
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 25, 2022
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
    As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
    I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.
     
    #12459
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 26, 2022
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
    An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
    The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'"
     
    #12460
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 26, 2022
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: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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