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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    There are only ten times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use:
    10. What the f*ck do you mean we"re sinking? -- Capt. E.J Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
    9. What the f*ck was that? -- Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
    8. Where did all these f*cking Indians come from? -- Custer, 1877
    7. Any f*cking idiot could understand that. -- Einstein, 1938
    6. It does so f*cking look like her! -- Picasso, 1926
    5. How the f*ck did you work that out? -- Pythagoras, 126 BC
    4. You want WHAT on the f*cking ceiling? -- Michelangelo, 1566
    3. Scattered f*cking showers, my arse! -- Noah, 4314 BC
    2 Aw c"mon. Who the f*ck is going to find out? -- Bill Clinton, 1999
    1. Geez, I didn"t think they"d get this f*cking mad. -- Saddam Hussein, 2003
     
    #1201
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 8, 2017
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #1202
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 9, 2017
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A young British soldier lost his head during a fire fight and ran for cover some distance from the action.
    He had not only lost his prized beret but had also lost his webbing and weapon.
    He was crouched down behind a wall when he felt a hand grip his shoulder and heard a calming American voice behind him say,
    "What the f*ck do you think you"re doing here, soldier? Think of your regiment...get back there and do what you"re paid to do."
    The young soldier got himself back under control and said, "Sorry, mate, you"re right."
    The voice behind him bellowed, "MATE? I am an American Officer!"
    The young soldier replied, "Sorry, Sir, I didn"t realise I"d run back that far."
     
    #1203
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 9, 2017
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    If you ever Google 'Gary Oldman' for f*ck sake never forget the 'r.'
     
    #1204
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 9, 2017
    Makemstine Roger, Didley Squat, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    I'm not saying the women in my local pub are ugly, but there's a paper bag machine in the gents.
     
    #1205
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 9, 2017
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  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Teacher Arrested At Sydney Airport - Held in Isolation.

    A secondary school teacher was arrested today at Sydney 's Kingsford Smith
    Airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession
    of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a
    calculator.
    At a press conference, an Australian Border Control spokesman said he
    believes him to be a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.
    He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Federal Police with
    carrying weapons of maths instruction.

    'Al-Gebra can be a problem for all of us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive
    solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
    of absolute values. They maintain secrecy by using secret codenames such "X"
    and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that
    they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
    in every country.'

    As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to
    every triangle".

    When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Bill Shorten said
    - "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He
    would have given us more fingers and toes."

    Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more
    intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.
     
    #1206
    kiwiqpr, Apr 10, 2017
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  7. UTRs

    UTRs Senile Member

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    This is one of my faves<ok>
     
    #1207
    UTRs, Apr 10, 2017
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    I met this bird last night who was a right ugly f*cker,
    I said "What"s your name?"
    "Tuesday" she replied.I said, "that"s a strange name."
    She said, "yeah, when I was born my mum and dad looked in the cot and said, "I think we"d better call it a day.""
     
    #1208
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 10, 2017
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #1209
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 10, 2017
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #1210
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 10, 2017
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #1211
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 10, 2017
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #1212
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 10, 2017
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #1213
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 10, 2017
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #1214
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 10, 2017
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    A man is walking past a mental asylum when he hears a strange, constant chanting, "thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen."His curiosity gets the better of him and finds a hole in a fence. He peers through it but the second he looks through it a finger slides through the hole and pokes him in the eye.He recoils in pain, rubbing his eye but also notices that the chanting has changed to, "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen."
     
    #1215
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 10, 2017
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    #1216
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 11, 2017
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    So lucky I saw his stick, a blind man in camoflage gear out walking, I nearly bumped into him!

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    #1217
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 11, 2017
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    Think I drunk too much last night. I've just thrown up in the toilet.

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    #1218
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 11, 2017
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough."

    Not the best thing to sing outside an impotent support group.
     
    #1219
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 11, 2017
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member Staff Member

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    As chairman of the Blind Society, I've been accused of needlessly wasting money.

    So I've arranged a fireworks display to cheer everyone up.
     
    #1220
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 12, 2017
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Page 61 of 830
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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