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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

Page 606 of 830
  1. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    #12101
    Gordon Armstrong, Mar 13, 2022
    kiwiqpr and San Diego like this.
  2. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    MI5 had an opening for an assassin.
    After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man.
    For the final test, the MI5 agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun.
    'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
    Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair .... Kill him!!'
    The woman said, 'You can't be serious I could never shoot my husband .'
    The agent said, 'Then you're not the right woman for this job. Take your husband and go home.'
    The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet forabout 5 minutes.
    The woman came out with tears in her eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my husband .' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.'
    Finally, it was the man’s turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.
    'This gun is loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to kill her with the f*cking chair!'
     
    #12102
    Makemstine Roger, Mar 13, 2022
    San Diego and Wooperts_duck like this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12103
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 13, 2022
    San Diego and Makemstine Roger like this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12104
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 13, 2022
    San Diego, Makemstine Roger and kiwiqpr like this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Dave, John and Paddy are working on some roadworks in the middle of the town centre. All of them are claiming benefits and working on the side. The foreman gives them their instructions and says "Remember if the inspector from the benifit fraud office catches you to give him a false name". Paddy says "Yes boss, but what if we can't think of one fast enough?" The foreman replies "Look, it's bloody easy, just look around and use one of the names of the shops". An hour passes and the benefit fraud officer turns up "Right then you three, you are under suspicion of working whilst claiming benefits. give me your names!" Dave looks around and says " David Woolworths". John looks around and answers "John Tesco". The inspector then turns to Paddy "And you, what's your name?" Paddy says "Ken!" The inspector says "And your second name?" Paddy replies "Tucky fried chicken".
     
    #12105
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 13, 2022
    San Diego, Makemstine Roger and kiwiqpr like this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and turn into the woods.
    Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. “Mum, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane......”
    At this point Mummy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.”
    At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
    Johnny started his story, “I was at the playground, and I saw my Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a Big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy goes away on a trip.”
    Mummy threw up!
     
    #12106
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 13, 2022
    San Diego and Makemstine Roger like this.
  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    where can i buy one
     
    #12107
    kiwiqpr, Mar 14, 2022
    San Diego and Makemstine Roger like this.
  8. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    MI5 had an opening for an assassin.
    After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two women and a man.
    For the final test, the MI5 agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun.
    'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
    Inside the room you will find your husband sitting in a chair .... Kill him!!'
    The woman said, 'You can't be serious I could never shoot my husband .'
    The agent said, 'Then you're not the right woman for this job. Take your husband and go home.'
    The second woman was given the same instructions. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet forabout 5 minutes.
    The woman came out with tears in her eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my husband .' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home.'
    Finally, it was the man’s turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.
    'This gun is loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to kill her with the f*cking chair!'
     
    #12108
    Gordon Armstrong, Mar 14, 2022
  9. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    #12109
    Gordon Armstrong, Mar 14, 2022
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12110
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 14, 2022
    BluefromBridgend, San Diego, Gordon Armstrong and 1 other person like this.

  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12111
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 14, 2022
    BluefromBridgend, San Diego, Gordon Armstrong and 1 other person like this.
  12. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    #12112
    Gordon Armstrong, Mar 14, 2022
    BluefromBridgend and San Diego like this.
  13. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    #12113
    Gordon Armstrong, Mar 14, 2022
    San Diego and Taffvalerowdy like this.
  14. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    #12114
    Gordon Armstrong, Mar 14, 2022
    San Diego and Taffvalerowdy like this.
  15. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    #12115
    Taffvalerowdy, Mar 14, 2022
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego and Gordon Armstrong like this.
  16. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    #12116
    Gordon Armstrong, Mar 14, 2022
    San Diego likes this.
  17. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    #12117
    Gordon Armstrong, Mar 14, 2022
    Taffvalerowdy and San Diego like this.
  18. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    #12118
    Gordon Armstrong, Mar 14, 2022
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  19. Gordon Armstrong

    Gordon Armstrong Just another S.A.F.C. fan
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    #12119
    Gordon Armstrong, Mar 14, 2022
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #12120
    Wooperts_duck, Mar 14, 2022
    Makemstine Roger, Taffvalerowdy, San Diego and 2 others like this.
Page 606 of 830
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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