The barnsley joke page

I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist.
I rushed outside yelling "Let me through, let me through."
A man at the front said, "Thank God for that . . . . are you a Doctor?"
I said "No . . . . that's my Pizza."

 

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At the Pearly Gates !!
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
The Angel tells them unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says,
'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
Without saying a word, the Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and screams, 'What was that all about? show you two of God's own perfect creations and you
turn me down She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Explain that to me!'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.........

 

Keir Starmer was visiting a Northern Ireland primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Starmer if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.
So, Britain's illustrious opposition leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
Incorrect,' said Starmer. being barrister trained'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not', explained Starmer, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Starmer searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you, Mr. Corbyn and Mr. Miliband was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Starmer, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a ****ing accident either!'

 

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What's the opposite of realise?

Glass eyes.

 

My mate texted me "Who sang 'That's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, I really love your tiger feet' ?"
I replied "Mud"
He texted back "That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right"

Bastard

 

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Mrs. A. wanted a parka.

I said "no . . . . I've got anoraknaphobia"