The barnsley joke page

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica .
They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when
they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a
... Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'Man . . . . you got dem on de wrong feet!'

 

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After retirement, a 60 year old man married a 25 year old woman…..
Now that he was spending less time with his friends, his concerned friends enquired about there perhaps being a problem.
“I’m eager to pass time with you all, but my young wife gets lonely when I’m away.”
His friends advised him :
“Keep a young tenant at home, and your wife will be happy in the company of a younger person”.
He promptly acted on their advice and leased a room in his big house to a young tenant.
Now the friends were meeting more often.
One day the friends jokingly asked “How is your wife now ?”
He said “She is not lonely at all, in fact she is happy . . . . and she is pregnant”
The friends laughed, as they expected this.
“and how is the tenant ?” they asked.
He replied very soberly “She is also pregnant”
Never underestimate the older lads.

 

Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots,
So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them to go home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
“Notice anything different about me ?”
Margaret, age 75, looked him over. “Nope.”
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
“Notice anything different NOW ?”
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Bert yelled,
“AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN MARGARET ?”
“Nope. Not a clue”, she replied. “IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS !”
Without missing a beat Margaret replied,
“Shoulda bought a hat, Bert . . . . shoulda bought a hat.”

 

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that pensioners are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the pensioner would like to play a fun game.
The pensioner is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun….
“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only £5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you £500.00,” he says.
This catches the pensioner’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The pensioner doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-Pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the pensioner’s turn. He asks the lawyer,
“What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the pensioner and hands him £500.00.
The pensioner pockets the £500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the pensioner up and asks,
“Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The pensioner reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer £5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.


'From now on when I say BELL1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.
' The next night he came home from work and yelled
'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.


When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled 'BELL 3!', they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?


'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

 

Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth, and I did . . . . fried chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said that my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said that they love animals very much. I do, too, especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her that it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her that it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now

 

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