The barnsley joke page

During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone

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rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go . It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I
took my napkin from my lap
and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence ,when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused: "Happy Birthday"..

 

Four old-timers named Roy , Charlie , Rodney and Dave were playing their
weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on
Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to
the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it, we'll make it a priority,
figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf
course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such
a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the
Cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading
the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like
they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped
my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great
morning for either sex or golf,' and she said... 'Take a sweater'

 

I was at a works do and the conversation was boring to say the least, all people talked about was their work........

Anyway I got stuck talking to a fella who told me he job was looking into Genetic Modification of Salad Leaves.......

I said to him, it's not Rocket Science is it.......

 

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A young boy had just got his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the bible a little, and get your hair cut; then we’ll talk about it.”
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if he could use the car. His father said, “Son, I’m really proud of you. You brought your grades up, studied the bible well, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”
The young man waited a moment and then replied, “You know dad, I’ve been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”
His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went.”