The barnsley joke page

A man was working in the garden and his wife was about to take a shower. He realized that he couldn't find the rake.. and yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She couldn't hear and she shouted back, "What?" He pointed to his eye, and then pointed to his knee and made a raking motion. his wife wasn't sure and said "What?" He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake" His wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell he could even come close to that one. Exasperated, He went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?" She replies: "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!

 

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day...
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
****! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
****! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries.
Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette, smiles and says,
'Fill the ****er with water.'

 

Davy Jones of the Monkees has had his first fight in Heaven. He bumped into Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston and started singing Hey Hey it's the Junkies.....

then ..........but Now I'm a bereaver

 

A farmer named Patrick lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Patrick went to the parish priest.
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father O'Reilly replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death but, unfortunately, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal."
Patrick said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father O'Reilly replied, "$500? Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

 

If you're wondering why Muslim
terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
-No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
You cook over burning camel ****- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no **** Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse.