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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    upload_2021-10-12_16-50-29.png
     
    #11121
    Taffvalerowdy, Oct 12, 2021
    San Diego, Gordon Armstrong, Makemstine Roger and 1 other person like this.
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.
    "Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified", says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you", adds the interviewer.
    "But wait", says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking".
    "Then show me", replies the interviewer.
    So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
    "It's great. You stopped winking", says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country".
    "What do you mean?", asks the man. "I'm happily married".
    "How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.
    "Oh, that", sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"...
     
    #11122
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 12, 2021
    San Diego and Makemstine Roger like this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11123
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 12, 2021
    San Diego, Gordon Armstrong and Makemstine Roger like this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11124
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 12, 2021
    San Diego and Makemstine Roger like this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A cowboy walked into a saloon and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
    The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
    "Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
    "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
    "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
    "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
    "Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
    "Rustling," said the bartender.
     
    #11125
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 12, 2021
    Gordon Armstrong, San Diego and Makemstine Roger like this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.”
    The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.”
    First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”
    He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.”
    He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”
    The bouncer says, “Ok then, come on in.”
    The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.”
    He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.”
    The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?”
    The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”
     
    #11126
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 13, 2021
    San Diego, Makemstine Roger and Gordon Armstrong like this.
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
    Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, ****! The light goes on. When I’m done, ****! The light goes off.”
    “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
    A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
    “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and ****, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, ****, the light goes off?”
    “Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
     
    #11127
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 13, 2021
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11128
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 13, 2021
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11129
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 13, 2021
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11130
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 13, 2021
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Paddy went to the train station and asked the ticket office for a one way ticket to jeopardy.

    The clerk said there's no such place.

    Paddy replied, look, it said on the news last night there's 3000 jobs in jeopardy and i want to get there NOW!!.
     
    #11131
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 13, 2021
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11132
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 13, 2021
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  13. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #11133
    Makemstine Roger, Oct 14, 2021
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  14. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #11134
    Makemstine Roger, Oct 14, 2021
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  15. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #11135
    Makemstine Roger, Oct 14, 2021
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  16. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    #11136
    Makemstine Roger, Oct 14, 2021
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  17. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

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    These are genuine clips from Council Complaint letters :-
    1 ) My bush is really overgrown round the front , and my back passage has fungus growing in it ...
    2 ) He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore ...
    3 ) ... it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow ...
    4 ) I want some repairs done to my cooker , as it has backfired and burnt my knob off ...
    5 ) I wish to complain that
    my father hurt his ankle very badly , then he put his foot in the large hole in his back passage ...
    6 )...And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence ...
    7 ) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof ...
    I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off ...
    8 ) My lavatory seat is cracked , where do I stand .. ?
    9 ) I am writing on behalf of my sink , which is coming away from the wall ...
    10 ) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path ...! ?
    My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday , and now she is pregnant ...
    11 ) I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen ...
    12 ) 50% of the walls are damp , 50% have crumbling plaster , and 50% are plain filthy ...
    13 ) I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers ...
    14 ) The toilet is blocked , and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared ...
    15 ) Will you please send a man to look at my water ; it is a funny colour , and not fit to drink ...
    16 ) Our lavatory seat is broken in half , and is now in three pieces ...
    17 ) I want to complain about the farmer across the road ;
    every morning at 6am , his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me ...
    18 ) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden , which is unsightly and dangerous ...
    19 ) Our kitchen floor is damp ... We have two children and would like a third , so please send someone round to do something about it ...
    20 ) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night ...
    21) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife ...
    22 ) I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times , but I still have no satisfaction ...
    23 ) This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken , and we can't get BBC2 ...
     
    #11137
    Makemstine Roger, Oct 14, 2021
    San Diego, Wooperts_duck and Taffvalerowdy like this.
  18. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    #11138
    Taffvalerowdy, Oct 14, 2021
    San Diego, Makemstine Roger and Wooperts_duck like this.
  19. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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    #11139
    Taffvalerowdy, Oct 14, 2021
    San Diego, Makemstine Roger and Wooperts_duck like this.
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #11140
    Wooperts_duck, Oct 14, 2021
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Page 557 of 834
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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