The barnsley joke page

I’m just on my way to fix Cat Stevens' caravan.

Awning has broken......

 

I told my missus the doctor had given me a prescription for daily sex...
She didn't believe me and insisted I showed it to her.
I duly handed it over and she said "you daft sod, its for your dyslexia!"

 

Two Men were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth.
The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second said, “There's an old gear box over there. Let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”
Despite it being very heavy, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.
As they were standing there looking over the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the bushes, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first...
They were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about...
Just then an old farmer appeared. "Say, you fellers didn't happen to see my goat?"
The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old gear box."

 

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An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

 

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
She met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'
To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
And didn't I marry ye and yer
Hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there
Any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
And I'll light a fertility candle for ye
And yer hoosband..'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, HE's gone to Rome
To blow out yer feckin' candle.

 

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."

 

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A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?"
The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"
Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!"
He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

 

My friend was hit by a drum kit the other day.

The doctor says he has percussion.

 

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