The barnsley joke page

I think it's ridiculous that people are letting off fireworks in September.

My cat was so scared he ran up the Christmas tree.

 

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A doctor's toilet was blocked so he rang the plumber.
The plumber said: "It's early hours of the morning can't it wait?" The doc said: "If you were ill I'd have to come out".
The plumber said: "Fair enough" and called at the doc's house.
He lifted the toilet seat and threw in two paracetamol and said "Give it a few days and if it's still the same give me a call".

 

At the end of their first date, a young man walks his girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Pleeeeease?..."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

 

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A woman went to doctors’ office where she was seen by one of the new young doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. McKenzie is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?

 

Two guys playing golf. A hearse is passing bye. One of the men stops in mid swing, removes his hat and bows his head.

His partner says that's the most compassionate gesture I've seen. Well said the other we were married for 35 years

 

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