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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10141
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 3, 2021
    Makemstine Roger and San Diego like this.
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says
    “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.
    “So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,
    “Do I have to take them every day?”
    No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.
    “Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
    “Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
    “I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
    “Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,
    “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
     
    #10142
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 3, 2021
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego and Gordon Armstrong like this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10143
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 3, 2021
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego and Gordon Armstrong like this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    My gay dyslexic mate hasn't come out of the closet yet.

    He's in Daniel........
     
    #10144
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 3, 2021
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego and Gordon Armstrong like this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10145
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 3, 2021
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego and Gordon Armstrong like this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I went to fish restaurant recently and ordered the Octopus.
    The waiter said: "It takes 4 hours to cook."
    I said: "Why?"
    He said: "Because it keeps turning the gas off."
     
    #10146
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 4, 2021
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10147
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 4, 2021
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10148
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 4, 2021
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    To encourage me to eat when i was young my mother would put food on a spoon and say "here comes the train, here comes the train".

    It always worked because she wouldn't untie me from the track until i'd eaten it!
     
    #10149
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 4, 2021
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Grandad: 'I bought a BMW off one of the Kray's once.

    Me: 'What reg?'

    Grandad: 'No, Ronnie I think'.
     
    #10150
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 4, 2021
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    What are the Dalek's favourite trees ?

    YEW, WILLOW, BAY
     
    #10151
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 4, 2021
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10152
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 4, 2021
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  13. Wooperts_duck

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    #10153
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 5, 2021
    Makemstine Roger, Didley Squat, BluefromBridgend and 1 other person like this.
  14. Wooperts_duck

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    #10154
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 5, 2021
    Makemstine Roger, Didley Squat, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  15. Wooperts_duck

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    “Doctor, I woke up this morning with this big lump on my left side.”

    Doctor:“Does your wife know you feel this way about her?”
     
    #10155
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 6, 2021
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego, Didley Squat and 1 other person like this.
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I called the coastguard told them I had fallen out of my boat into the ocean.

    They said "Can you be more Pacific"
     
    #10156
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 6, 2021
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  17. Wooperts_duck

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    #10157
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 6, 2021
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #10158
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 7, 2021
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  19. Wooperts_duck

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    #10159
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 7, 2021
    Makemstine Roger and San Diego like this.
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I saw someone waving at me the other day but I wasn’t sure if they were waving at me or someone else so I ignored them.

    In other news I lost my job as a lifeguard.
     
    #10160
    Wooperts_duck, Feb 7, 2021
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego, Gordon Armstrong and 1 other person like this.
Page 508 of 830
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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