The barnsley joke page

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife..

The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

 

Top work again Kiwi Sir!

Here is a crap one from me.

I saw my son carrying a noose out into the garden.

"Have fun!" I shouted. Weird though, cowboys normally look happier than that.

 

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but
I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this
beer belly.

 

NO Speak English
A German woman married an American gentleman born in
Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town.

The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage
to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose
whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy
chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request,
so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt
to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave
her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't
know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned
her blouse to show the butcher her breasts.
The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her
husband to the store...and what do you think happened













What were you Thinking would happen?
Well Her husband asked for the Sausages of course?
Her husband speaks English....hellooo

 

A friend of mine has contracted a deadly disease from eating some cereal.
All he had was Ebola Cornflakes.

 

Do you get a courtesy dog if you have pet insurance and yours is in the vets?

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Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...
Tiger says Stevie, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "I've had some problems with my swing,
but I think I've got that right, now."
Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong,
I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."
Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands,
the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and
again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the
hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play
the ball towards his voice."
Tiger: "What's your handicap?"
Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole.
Is that a problem?"
Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK,
I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me.
When would you like to play?"
Stevie: "Pick a night."

 

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him

 

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.


Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular
activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.


She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member,
of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.


She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would
know what he was doing!


Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned
and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing.


Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night.


(You gotta love Frank!)

 

A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car .




“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more.




Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the copper’s arrival.




Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”




The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.”




“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the copper.

 

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.
"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed.
"Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband.
He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time."
When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food.
With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food,
Stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.
She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day."
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're
Going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill
While he was licking his arse!"

 

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!



And you thought I was going to get all spiritual .........

Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk way

 

Who the hell is Eric ?
Well, Eric is the geezer who got home late one night:

Marilyn his wife was waiting for him with ...........

"Where the hell have you been?"

Eric replies "I was getting a tattoo!"


"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar note tattooed on my willy" he said proudly.


"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust.

"Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his willy?"


"Well...One, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand..

And lastly... Instead of you going out shopping all the time,

now you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!"


Eric is currently in the Intensive Care Unit.

 

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

 

Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary
all with very big smiles
on their faces and

the police call on the
coroner to investigate.



"First body,"

says the coroner,
"Pierre Dubois, Frenchman,


60, died of heart failure while making love to his

20-year old mistress.
Hence the smile,'

says the Coroner.


"Second body is Gregory Campbell,


Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery.
Spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

he says.


The Police Inspector asked,

'"So what about this third body?'"


"Ah," says the coroner, "
this is the most unusual one.
Paddy Murphy,


Irish, 30,
struck by lightning."


"Why the broad grin, then?"

inquires the Inspector.

"He thought he was
having his picture taken".

 

> Only a farm kid would see it this
> way!
>
>
> When you're from the farm, your perception is a
> little bit different.
>
> A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at
> the door.A boy, about 9, opened the
> door."Is your dad or mom home?" said the
> farmer."No, they went to
> town.""How about your brother, Howard? Is he
> here?""No, he went with Mom and
> Dad."The farmer stood there for a few minutes,
> shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself,
> when the young boy say's, "I know where all the
> tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a
> message.""Well," said the farmer
> uncomfortably, "No, I really want to talk to your Dad,
> about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy
> pregnant".The boy thought for a moment...then
> say's, "you'll have to talk to my Dad about
> that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the
> pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for
> Howard.."
>

 

The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.




He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help.. If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”




The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

 

A senior citizen in swansea was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be here.”




When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in swansea ‘cause everything happens in swansea 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

 

The young man from Swansea came running into the store and said to his mate, “Johnno, somebody just stole your car from the parking lot!”




Johnno replied, “Did ya see who it was?”




The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the licence number.”