1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    please log in to view this image
     
    #961
    kiwiqpr and San Diego like this.
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    please log in to view this image
     
    #962
    kiwiqpr and San Diego like this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    I was about to cross a road when this really fat old woman screamed at me from the other side, "please, young man, can you see me across the road?"

    I shouted back, "I could see you a fcuking hundred yards back!"
     
    #963
    kiwiqpr and San Diego like this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    One morning a secretary says to her boss
    " Hey boss, have you ever rubbed vaseline into your cock ? "
    The boss nearly chokes on his coffee and says
    " Why on earth do you ask that ? "
    She says " Well I had a chapped lip yesterday and today it"s gone "
     
    #964
    kiwiqpr and San Diego like this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I"ve decided to give your wife 775 pounds a week."

    "That"s very fair, your honour." the husband said.

    "And every now and then I"ll try to send her a few quid myself!".
     
    #965
    kiwiqpr and San Diego like this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    Boy George and Elton John are releasing a gay version of the Wizard of Oz. its called...........

    Swallow the Yellow thick load
     
    #966
    San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.

    She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied "No, but I will for the teapot".
     
    #967
    San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey" she signs "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"
     
    #968
    San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

    John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
     
    #969
    San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    A Chinese man decides to move to england. He buys a small piece of land near Stoke.
    A few days after moving in the friendly english neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
    Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
    The next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it
    Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
    A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the
    drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum. The english bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man
    and says, '**** Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you
    running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about crap on you.'
    The Chinese man is very taken back and says, 'Solly sir, you no understand. These not Chinese customs I doing, these English customs.'' What do you mean, mate?” says the English man - “Those aren't English customs.”
    "Yes, are," replied the Chinese man. "Travel agent man say to become true English man, I MUST LEARN TO CHASE CHICKS, DRINK PISS AND LISTEN TO BULL SH*T"....
     
    #970
    San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.

  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    If a long condom goes on a long prick
    and a short condom goes on a short prick,
    what do you put on a thick prick?

    a Rochdale football shirt
     
    #971
    San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    A bloke pulls a Chinese lass at a club.
    She say "me so horny, me do anythin for you"
    Bloke says "how a bout a 69?"
    She says "you fcuk off, me no cooking at this time of night!"
     
    #972
    San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    BREAKING NEWS: In a last ditch attempt to save their season, Liverpool have dug up the pitch to plant potatoes.

    That way they'll have something to lift in May........
     
    #973
    San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    Murphy asks Paddy "Why are you talking into dat dere envelope ?"

    Paddy replies "I'm sending a voice mail, yer feckin eejit !"
     
    #974
    San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    My wife asked me to pass her Lip Balm, instead, I gave her Super Glue by mistake.

    She's still not talking to me......
     
    #975
    San Diego and kiwiqpr like this.
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    I used to hate weddings.

    All the old dears would poke me and say, "you"re next."

    They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals.
     
    #976
    kiwiqpr and San Diego like this.
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.
    Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie, why don"t you tell me all about it?"
    The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy"s thingee sort of stands up, and then Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that"s how you get babies."
    Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said,
    "Oh, darling, that"s sweet, but that"s not how you get babies. That"s how you get jewellry."
     
    #977
    kiwiqpr and San Diego like this.
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly

    Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

    Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... Women like that are hard to find!!.
     
    #978
    kiwiqpr and San Diego like this.
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    Little Johnny and Susie are only ten-years- old, but they just know that they are in love.
    One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie"s father to ask him for her hand.
    Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I"m asking for her hand in marriage."
    Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only ten. Where will you two live?"
    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies,
    "in Susie"s room. It"s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
    Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "okay then how will you live? You"re not old enough to get a job, You"ll need to support Susie."
    Again, Johnny instantly replies, "our allowance: Susie makes five pounds a week and I make ten pounds a week. That"s about sixty pounds a month, and that should do us just fine."
    By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment, trying to come up with something that Johnny won"t have an answer to.
    After a second, Mr. Smith says, "well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
    Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "that won"t happen, she only lets me shag her up the arse."
     
    #979
    kiwiqpr and San Diego like this.
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    159,313
    Likes Received:
    294,223
    As soon as I got home last night I ripped my wifes thong off.

    Just in time as it was making my arsehole feel like a tea towel holder.
     
    #980
    kiwiqpr and San Diego like this.

Share This Page