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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.
    After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
    The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
    In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
    The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
     
    #9441
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 8, 2020
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9442
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 8, 2020
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9443
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 8, 2020
    Makemstine Roger and San Diego like this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9444
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 8, 2020
    Makemstine Roger, San Diego and Gordon Armstrong like this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I genuinely think I'm going to lose my drivers license. This is all because of a stupid policeman.
    Let me first say that this altercation occurred late last night around 10 in Hackney, London. And that he wasn’t wearing a BodyCam. The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
    Officer: "License and registration, please, I have reason to believe you’re drunk"
    Me: "No I’m not drunk, I haven’t had a drink today"
    Officer: "Ok, well I don’t have a breathalyser on me at this moment in time so let's do a little test before I call someone who does have one to come down. “Imagine driving in the dark at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is it?"
    Me: "A car"
    Officer:"Yes! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
    Me:"How am I meant to know?, it’s dark"
    Officer:"So like I said, you're drunk"
    Me:"But I told you, I ain’t drunk anything"
    Officer:"Okay, one more test - Imagine, you’re driving in the dark at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?
    Me:"A Motorbike"
    Officer:"yes! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
    Me:"how the **** am I supposed to know, it’s dark!"
    Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
    Then I started to get pissed off so I asked a counter question.
    Me:"So..., counter question - You're driving in the dark at night and see a woman at the side of the road. She wears a really really short skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
    Officer:"A prostitute obviously"
    Me:"Yeah, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mum?"
    Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend on the 17th Sept
     
    #9445
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 9, 2020
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9446
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 9, 2020
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9447
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 9, 2020
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  8. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    #9448
    kiwiqpr, Sep 9, 2020
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9449
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 10, 2020
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    They decided it was time to take their Mum to the nursing home,
    and the woman has a problem with one rule in particular.
    One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
    The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
    She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
    Again, she seems alright – but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
    Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So, Ma’, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask.
    “It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”
     
    #9450
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 10, 2020
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9451
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 10, 2020
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9452
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 11, 2020
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9453
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 11, 2020
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    It is with great sadness that I’m going to have to close my fishmonger shop after 50 years.

    The whiting is on the wall.....
     
    #9454
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 11, 2020
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    upload_2020-9-11_19-58-19.png
     
    #9455
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 11, 2020
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9456
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 11, 2020
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9457
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 11, 2020
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    An Irishman applying for a blacksmiths job was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses?

    He said "No, but i once told a donkey to f*ck off"
     
    #9458
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 11, 2020
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9459
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 12, 2020
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9460
    Wooperts_duck, Sep 12, 2020
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Page 473 of 748
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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