The barnsley joke page

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".
The guy obeys and says, "99".
The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeating the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the guy says, '99'."
The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand, I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three"

 

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Who am I? I used to think I was just an ordinary person, but I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, would seem to make me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist.

I am heterosexual, which now makes me a homophobe.

I am mostly non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I was Christened by my parents, which now labels me as an infidel.

I have always eaten whatever was put in front of me by my parents or my host, which makes my views on faddish food discrimination quite unacceptable.

I open doors for ladies which makes me a misogynistic, sexist, pig.

I am retired, which makes me useless.

I think and I reason, therefore I distrust much that the main stream media tells me; this makes me a reactionary.

I eschew social media since it reflects only opinions, mis-information and the madness of crowds; this makes me a blinkered dinosaur.

I am proud of my heritage, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I (and most of the people I know), acquired a fair education without student loan debts and little or no debt, which makes me some kind of an odd underachiever.

I believe in the defence and protection of my country and I honour those who served in the Armed Forces; this now makes me a right wing-militant.

Please help me come to terms with the new me... because I'm just not sure who the hell I am anymore!

Funny ...it’s all just taken place over the last 3 or 4 years! If all this wasn’t enough to deal with ... now I’m not even sure which toilet to go into.

 

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I was at a Christening and asked the father what the baby was called.
He says "Tuesday"
I said "Why did you choose that name?"
"Well," he replied " That's our fourth, and the wife says to me I think we should call it a day."

 

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Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop,
'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? **** me ... is it midnight already?'

 

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Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.
"I am entering" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how.did you do?"
"First Place," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine." Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Donald Trump?" asked Pinocchio.

 

My mate was telling me that last night whilst walking along, he was hit on the head by a couple of sausages.
I said, "That's nothing! I got hit by 4 steaks, 2 pork chops and a leg of lamb."
"What could it have been?" he asked.
"I'm not sure but mine was definitely a meatier shower!"

 

Disgraceful !

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A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do . Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

 

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